Day 5 of the Not-Going-To-Check-FB Project and I can tell that I am so super bored. Playing the Xbox instead has gotten boring as well. So, in the meantime, I think I will look for another job. Why you ask? Because the one I have at present hasn't given me any shifts for two weeks. I think it is about time to find something else if things don't pick up soon.
Speaking of life, I have lagged so hard on my gym stuff and "weight loss" (more in this post on that). The Spring Semester ended last week, but I haven't really seen the inside of my gym since my fitness test. (BTW, I am the healthiest fat person I know. Ha! In your face, bully arseholes!) Here shortly, things will change or I will kick my own butt in gear.
Speaking of lagging hard, I have also been neglecting my worships. Since I have so much free time now, that will be changing shortly as well. I here there is a local Pagan temple in Fort Worth. Maybe I will go check it out.
Also, Celtic Woman is super amazing. Heart.
That is it for now, I will be posting again shortly.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
"Coming Home" to my Faith
What I remember of my childhood religion, Roman Catholicism, doesn’t
stand out in my life. I vaguely remember sitting in pews of oak with knee
protectors on the back so you could kneel comfortably during prayer
time. I mostly remember not paying attention (I was 7 or 8 years old at this
time) and looking at the stained glass windows, the organ, the Bibles,
paying attention to anything other than the sermon and wanting to be
home already. I had other things going on then that my mind was on, like
the abuse from my peers and from the teachers at
school that I received. At the time, I had been diagnosed with severe
clinical depression and debilitating migraines (again, I was only 7 or 8
years old). I was prescribed medication for the depression (though not
long because I had a “bad reaction” to it) and pain killers for the
migraines. The last thing I worried about was Hellfire and God’s wrath.
Nevertheless, I was put into Sunday school. I had my first communion
ritual, where I was able to received the wine and crackers, and
I didn’t have any sort of relationship to God, and women and girls were taught to be silent and obedient. I confessed to the priest to make my mother happy, but didn’t like being at church or praying to a God who seems to refuse to help me or my family, who seemed to abandon me when I was in those groups of children whom were particularly vicious when the adults turned their backs. I began to believe that He was out of reach and I was broken and impure and not worthy of anything other than death. No one knew that I was thinking about ending my life.
A year or so passed and my mother and I stopped going to church. My father wasn’t Catholic to begin with, so didn’t go anyway. My mother started becoming more agnostic, not liking how the Catholic church was handling things, and in my teen years she became more of an atheist. When I was 12, I found out that my grandmother on my mother’s side was Wiccan. I became interested and a lot of the beliefs that are central to Wicca clicked with me, but soon my life became swamped with suicidal thoughts and unhappy things, and I didn’t look into it too seriously. Family issues arose, and my mother and I left Georgia for Texas halfway through my 6th grade year. My mental state stabilized for a short while before slowly rolling back downhill from lack of friends in the new place.
It took until the 8th grade to find someone who was willing to be my friend. She was interested in the supernatural and her friends, who quickly became my friends, would tell ghost stories and talk about fiction books (we were a group of nerds) with magic and wizards and such.
At the apartment’s we lived in, I spoke to some older friends about “Them”. At the time, I didn’t know who They were but They talked to me like the Catholic priest and devote Catholics said God talked to them. I followed what They told me and I became happier and developed more friends and eventually I learned how to smile again. I grew less shy and quiet and my true personality started showing. I remember telling one guy friend while on my way home that I was a witch, and the way it felt in my mouth and in my soul was sublime. I was surprised to find that I truly felt like I was a witch. That night, and for two years thereafter, I began heavy and intense research on Paganism and witchcraft. I delved into that world, reading all I could and devouring all the knowledge. I joined forums and talked to experienced practitioners of the faith. I did not practice anything, instead I made absolute sure that this is what I wanted.
Two years passed and I turned 14. I stopped being able to control my depression, since I had had no form of medication. All my friends split to two different high schools and I only knew one person where I went. I eventually met a girl at the bus stop, but it didn’t do much for my mental state. And to top things off, I had stopped listening to Them and my research lapsed. The dark world of severe depression devoured my feelings and my insides again. One day, I was following my friend off the bus to go inside school, plotting how I was going to end my life that night, when I saw a guy. In that instant, my entire world exploded violently. Upon seeing this man, everything I felt and thought was consumed immediately, my mind was akin to a red hot piece of metal, and my body was unable to respond at all. It was like I was pinned under the claws of a massive dragon who was burning me alive. This feeling was not intense fear, nor was it intense joy, nor any other simple emotion. It was the feeling of being scared, of being surprised, of getting a breath of fresh mountain air after being under water and drowning, of your blood searing underneath your skin while your insides are frozen cold, all at once. My soul felt like it had been brittle glass that had been shattered then put back into the furnace and added to iron ore.
This man had been walking towards me and looking into my eyes the whole entire time. Two seconds before he got to me, he turned to my friend and talked to her while he walked her up to the school. My body was on automatic and I still couldn’t feel anything other than this new sensation. Before we got to the school doors, he bid both of us farewell and left. I found out later that he was a witch, and soon I became him student. He taught me how to be a witch without depending on magick, how to stand up for myself, how to fight, how to be strong on the inside and out. He taught me the Gods and how to reach Them. He taught me that the Gods were not distant, but were reachable and I was able to form a deep, personal relationship with Them. Finally, I had a name for Them and I understood and was amazed that They had found me and had blessed me and had rocked my world so intensely. They made Their presence known, both the God and Goddess, and They showed me that They had always been there, and had been waiting for me this whole time.
I did my first spell two years later, for my grandmother, who was
dying. I understood the mechanics of how to do it, I was well versed in
energy raising, and I had that connection with my Gods. I understood the
rules and limits, and I knew that I could not cure her. My father was
back with us by then, and we found out that my father’s mother, my
grandmother, was dying of pancreatic cancer. My father’s side of the
family didn’t think she was going to last very long. The spell I did was
not a healing spell, but a time spell. I worked my magick, invoked my
Gods, and I gave her more time. It was two months before we could get
the money to go out to Georgia to see her, two months that no one
thought she had. We arrived, and spent the rest of the day with her. I
had just caught a chicken of my grandmothers and had brought it to the
house when they took her out of the house to drive her to the hospice.
The next day, she requested that my father and I find a disowned
daughter of her’s before she passed away. We did not find her, and were
on our way back when my father and I felt her pass away. We found out
when we got there that we were ten minutes too late. That time, those
precious last minutes, were my punishment for breaking one of the most
important rules of spellwork; always ask the person before you cast a spell on them, no exceptions.
It has been seven long years that I have been a witch, and I have learned much in that short, short time. I am close with my Gods, I have found my spiritual guides, I have joined a coven, and I have cast many spells. I now view myself as a witch, which is different from a Wiccan. I have rules I have to follow, but they are fewer than that of the Wiccan faith. For instance, I do not follow the Rede, which states “An it harm none, do as thou wilt”. Instead, I follow my conscious, and I choose what I do. I trust myself to know the right thing, and to learn what is wrong on the way. Unlike Wiccans, I do not include my Gods into my spellwork every time. I love my Gods, and I know They love me, but They have better things to do than to always pay attention to me, much like a parent has things to do other than pay full attention to their child every second of the day. I ask Them for favors only when I desperately need them, and only when I cannot get them myself through mundane (non-magickal) means. It means that They know when I come to Them for a favor, it is important. I am a hard polytheist, and believe in all Gods and Goddesses, and believe that They are all different except for the few whom share different names, like Venus and Aphrodite.
I owe my life to my Gods, and to my friend who taught me my ways. No two pagans are the same; no two pagan’s experiences are the same or are viewed the same. This path is intensely personal, and has changed my life radically. Nothing about it was easy, and it will not get easier as I go forth. I look forward to that with relish.
 |
| My old altar; a cauldron, sage bundle, and athame |
began confession.
I didn’t have any sort of relationship to God, and women and girls were taught to be silent and obedient. I confessed to the priest to make my mother happy, but didn’t like being at church or praying to a God who seems to refuse to help me or my family, who seemed to abandon me when I was in those groups of children whom were particularly vicious when the adults turned their backs. I began to believe that He was out of reach and I was broken and impure and not worthy of anything other than death. No one knew that I was thinking about ending my life.
A year or so passed and my mother and I stopped going to church. My father wasn’t Catholic to begin with, so didn’t go anyway. My mother started becoming more agnostic, not liking how the Catholic church was handling things, and in my teen years she became more of an atheist. When I was 12, I found out that my grandmother on my mother’s side was Wiccan. I became interested and a lot of the beliefs that are central to Wicca clicked with me, but soon my life became swamped with suicidal thoughts and unhappy things, and I didn’t look into it too seriously. Family issues arose, and my mother and I left Georgia for Texas halfway through my 6th grade year. My mental state stabilized for a short while before slowly rolling back downhill from lack of friends in the new place.
It took until the 8th grade to find someone who was willing to be my friend. She was interested in the supernatural and her friends, who quickly became my friends, would tell ghost stories and talk about fiction books (we were a group of nerds) with magic and wizards and such.
At the apartment’s we lived in, I spoke to some older friends about “Them”. At the time, I didn’t know who They were but They talked to me like the Catholic priest and devote Catholics said God talked to them. I followed what They told me and I became happier and developed more friends and eventually I learned how to smile again. I grew less shy and quiet and my true personality started showing. I remember telling one guy friend while on my way home that I was a witch, and the way it felt in my mouth and in my soul was sublime. I was surprised to find that I truly felt like I was a witch. That night, and for two years thereafter, I began heavy and intense research on Paganism and witchcraft. I delved into that world, reading all I could and devouring all the knowledge. I joined forums and talked to experienced practitioners of the faith. I did not practice anything, instead I made absolute sure that this is what I wanted.
Two years passed and I turned 14. I stopped being able to control my depression, since I had had no form of medication. All my friends split to two different high schools and I only knew one person where I went. I eventually met a girl at the bus stop, but it didn’t do much for my mental state. And to top things off, I had stopped listening to Them and my research lapsed. The dark world of severe depression devoured my feelings and my insides again. One day, I was following my friend off the bus to go inside school, plotting how I was going to end my life that night, when I saw a guy. In that instant, my entire world exploded violently. Upon seeing this man, everything I felt and thought was consumed immediately, my mind was akin to a red hot piece of metal, and my body was unable to respond at all. It was like I was pinned under the claws of a massive dragon who was burning me alive. This feeling was not intense fear, nor was it intense joy, nor any other simple emotion. It was the feeling of being scared, of being surprised, of getting a breath of fresh mountain air after being under water and drowning, of your blood searing underneath your skin while your insides are frozen cold, all at once. My soul felt like it had been brittle glass that had been shattered then put back into the furnace and added to iron ore.
This man had been walking towards me and looking into my eyes the whole entire time. Two seconds before he got to me, he turned to my friend and talked to her while he walked her up to the school. My body was on automatic and I still couldn’t feel anything other than this new sensation. Before we got to the school doors, he bid both of us farewell and left. I found out later that he was a witch, and soon I became him student. He taught me how to be a witch without depending on magick, how to stand up for myself, how to fight, how to be strong on the inside and out. He taught me the Gods and how to reach Them. He taught me that the Gods were not distant, but were reachable and I was able to form a deep, personal relationship with Them. Finally, I had a name for Them and I understood and was amazed that They had found me and had blessed me and had rocked my world so intensely. They made Their presence known, both the God and Goddess, and They showed me that They had always been there, and had been waiting for me this whole time.
 |
| My beautiful fox-head staff |
It has been seven long years that I have been a witch, and I have learned much in that short, short time. I am close with my Gods, I have found my spiritual guides, I have joined a coven, and I have cast many spells. I now view myself as a witch, which is different from a Wiccan. I have rules I have to follow, but they are fewer than that of the Wiccan faith. For instance, I do not follow the Rede, which states “An it harm none, do as thou wilt”. Instead, I follow my conscious, and I choose what I do. I trust myself to know the right thing, and to learn what is wrong on the way. Unlike Wiccans, I do not include my Gods into my spellwork every time. I love my Gods, and I know They love me, but They have better things to do than to always pay attention to me, much like a parent has things to do other than pay full attention to their child every second of the day. I ask Them for favors only when I desperately need them, and only when I cannot get them myself through mundane (non-magickal) means. It means that They know when I come to Them for a favor, it is important. I am a hard polytheist, and believe in all Gods and Goddesses, and believe that They are all different except for the few whom share different names, like Venus and Aphrodite.
I owe my life to my Gods, and to my friend who taught me my ways. No two pagans are the same; no two pagan’s experiences are the same or are viewed the same. This path is intensely personal, and has changed my life radically. Nothing about it was easy, and it will not get easier as I go forth. I look forward to that with relish.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Lessons From the Younger Generation
Just recently, the Pagan community lost a great leader, Katrina "Foxglove" Kessler. From The Wild Hunt:
In my family tradition, it is customary to not morn the passing of a loved one, but to celebrate her/his life and her/his contributions. For Katrina, it would behoove us younger pagans to take up where she left off, continue her work and walk on the same path as she did. Our elders were once young like us when they contributed to our community. It is our time to make our contributions as well, to help be part of our growing community instead of a following majority.
No matter where you are, you can do something positive, whether it is directly pagan related or not. Volunteering is a great way to help and can help with a positive image. Help out at your local animal shelter, start a club or group at your high school or college, or adopt a highway/pick up litter in your neighborhood. Be open and honest about your spirituality and your religion, be open and honest about your feelings and be the person you want to be. One open pagan is better than one thousand silent pagans.
The best thing you can do is participate. Whatever it is, do something. I promise you that you will feel great doing it too. If you don't know what you can do, you can go to The Witches' Voice and look for shops or community centers that may need volunteers to keep running. If you aren't out yet and feel like you would be harassed if you were open, try volunteering at local facilities (the ASPCA is always needing volunteers and donations). If you have an idea to do something, DO IT! Hesitate long enough to gather your forces and then go for it. Even if you don't think you have a force yet, do it anyway. A great many movements started out with just a handful of people and grew from there. You may be surprised what comes out of your courage.
I encourage you to read Jason's post. It is always heart breaking to lose anyone from our community, especially someone as talented and well loved as Foxglove was. May she rest well in the arms of her gods and know that she will be well missed.
"On April 21st, Katrina Kessler, known by many in the Pagan community as Foxglove, passed away after a car accident in San Diego, California. An up-and-coming figure in our community, Kessler worked at the World of Witches Museum in Salem, starred in, and helped produce, “The Young Witches of Salem,” did reporting and production work with MagickTV, and hosted the video series “Foxglove’s Lost and Found.” Shortly before her death she was working with a community service organization called The Circle in California."
In my family tradition, it is customary to not morn the passing of a loved one, but to celebrate her/his life and her/his contributions. For Katrina, it would behoove us younger pagans to take up where she left off, continue her work and walk on the same path as she did. Our elders were once young like us when they contributed to our community. It is our time to make our contributions as well, to help be part of our growing community instead of a following majority.
No matter where you are, you can do something positive, whether it is directly pagan related or not. Volunteering is a great way to help and can help with a positive image. Help out at your local animal shelter, start a club or group at your high school or college, or adopt a highway/pick up litter in your neighborhood. Be open and honest about your spirituality and your religion, be open and honest about your feelings and be the person you want to be. One open pagan is better than one thousand silent pagans.
The best thing you can do is participate. Whatever it is, do something. I promise you that you will feel great doing it too. If you don't know what you can do, you can go to The Witches' Voice and look for shops or community centers that may need volunteers to keep running. If you aren't out yet and feel like you would be harassed if you were open, try volunteering at local facilities (the ASPCA is always needing volunteers and donations). If you have an idea to do something, DO IT! Hesitate long enough to gather your forces and then go for it. Even if you don't think you have a force yet, do it anyway. A great many movements started out with just a handful of people and grew from there. You may be surprised what comes out of your courage.
Pentacles and College Mix Well in Texas
About a month ago, I bought a cute little pentacle choker necklace at the Scarborough Faire down here in Waco, TX.
Now, I have been out with my family and friends for a great many years and I used to own a beautiful pentacle when I was younger. I have been out with them for about 6 years now. However, I let go of my old necklace and have been without one for the past 4 years.
So, I was kind of worried about the reception at school and work about my new pentacle and stressed about it over the weekend. I even started thinking about what I would say to someone if they asked me. Should I tell them about what the pentacle means itself, or about my religion as a whole, or maybe this, maybe that, maybe maybe maybe? I saw online that someone had said their pentacle had been mistake for a Star of David and their response was, "Well, it used to be a Star of David but I ate bacon and a point fell off." (I am totally going to use this if I ever get the chance.)
But come Monday, no one said a negative word about it. In fact, I even got two compliments! I was surprised, and after a week of nothing but weird looks my fears abated. Even my co-workers and boss didn't mind about my new outness. My boss even gave me a magazine of the Pyramid Collection (http://www.pyramidcollection.com/default.asp) and told me that she had gone to the Renaissance Fairs when they had just started up.
I am young -only 20 years old- and going to a community college for an AAS in Interpreting. In the community that I will be interpreting for the majority of people are Christians and very involved with their churches. My professor is even a pastor's wife. Despite the overt influence of Christianity, my reception pretty much went the same way, but there was absolutely no talk of my necklace. The "worst" that had happened was two different discussions of religions, both unrelated to the pentacle I am wearing. For these people, I am sure they kept their opinions to themselves, not because they are Christian but because they are typically very vocal about other religion issues, even in class. For instance, in class we had to explain why the removal of religion in schools had caused the young in the community to have no manners.
Maybe the reason I haven't gotten a bad reaction may well be because I am in a community college. I am not too sure about that simply because when I was out in High School, I still didn't have any bad reactions. There were people who would come up to me and ask questions or ask for a tarot reading (I would sometimes bring my cards to school) or ask for me to teach them what I knew (which I admitted wasn't much). Most of the time, people just didn't care so much.
The non-reactions may well be because the two things you don't discuss are Religion and Politics. Perhaps the people I am surrounded by really don't care one way or another who or what I worship. Perhaps I have made such an impact on those around me that they don't think poorly of me. Perhaps my "normal" dressing style also has an impact because I am not the stereotypical Goth. Possibly, all of these are true. Whatever it is, I haven't experienced any ill will in this conservative state of Texas and that is a surprise in and of itself.
Perhaps the day that all the Pagan Elders have dreamed of has finally come, a day in which being a pagan has no influence on how people view or treat you, a day which your personality is the key and not your religion. Perhaps we are more accepted than we previously thought. Or perhaps people are so tired of arguing that they keep their mouths shut and just go about their business. Either way, it turns out as a good day for us.
Now, I have been out with my family and friends for a great many years and I used to own a beautiful pentacle when I was younger. I have been out with them for about 6 years now. However, I let go of my old necklace and have been without one for the past 4 years.
 |
| My pentacle necklace I bought at Scarborough Faire |
But come Monday, no one said a negative word about it. In fact, I even got two compliments! I was surprised, and after a week of nothing but weird looks my fears abated. Even my co-workers and boss didn't mind about my new outness. My boss even gave me a magazine of the Pyramid Collection (http://www.pyramidcollection.com/default.asp) and told me that she had gone to the Renaissance Fairs when they had just started up.
I am young -only 20 years old- and going to a community college for an AAS in Interpreting. In the community that I will be interpreting for the majority of people are Christians and very involved with their churches. My professor is even a pastor's wife. Despite the overt influence of Christianity, my reception pretty much went the same way, but there was absolutely no talk of my necklace. The "worst" that had happened was two different discussions of religions, both unrelated to the pentacle I am wearing. For these people, I am sure they kept their opinions to themselves, not because they are Christian but because they are typically very vocal about other religion issues, even in class. For instance, in class we had to explain why the removal of religion in schools had caused the young in the community to have no manners.
Maybe the reason I haven't gotten a bad reaction may well be because I am in a community college. I am not too sure about that simply because when I was out in High School, I still didn't have any bad reactions. There were people who would come up to me and ask questions or ask for a tarot reading (I would sometimes bring my cards to school) or ask for me to teach them what I knew (which I admitted wasn't much). Most of the time, people just didn't care so much.
The non-reactions may well be because the two things you don't discuss are Religion and Politics. Perhaps the people I am surrounded by really don't care one way or another who or what I worship. Perhaps I have made such an impact on those around me that they don't think poorly of me. Perhaps my "normal" dressing style also has an impact because I am not the stereotypical Goth. Possibly, all of these are true. Whatever it is, I haven't experienced any ill will in this conservative state of Texas and that is a surprise in and of itself.
Perhaps the day that all the Pagan Elders have dreamed of has finally come, a day in which being a pagan has no influence on how people view or treat you, a day which your personality is the key and not your religion. Perhaps we are more accepted than we previously thought. Or perhaps people are so tired of arguing that they keep their mouths shut and just go about their business. Either way, it turns out as a good day for us.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Initiation Poem
Initiation
I stand before Thee naked,
Bound by my hands and ankle,
Blinded by the cloth upon my eyes.
For a moment I am helpless, yet calm.
I feel the dagger against my neck,
Cold, powerful, threatening.
The question comes to me in darkness
And I answer in perfect love and perfect trust.
Away comes the blindfold,
Cut loose are those which bind me
And I am embraced in Thine arms,
Forevermore to walk the Sacred Path.
My love for Thee knows no bounds,
My heart bursts at the presences of You.
This ease that washes over me brings tears,
For my soul has always known Thine loving touch.
I am free so completely.
I am not the same person any longer.
I begin this Path washed clean.
Nothing can hold me back now.
And I shall walk with my Brothers and Sisters
In Perfect Love and Perfect Trust,
For they knew what I now know
And will never have to explain.
Words pale in comparison,
None exist that can begin to reach this,
For I have challenged the Darkness within
And I have won.
And now I see for the first time.
Now, I truly see before me.
Life will never be the same...
My Initiation unto Thee.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
The Price of Being Pagan
Here are links to current issues of discrimination and harassment that pagans face in this age and time in the 21st century. Most of the info is compiled on the Wild Hunt links, but Jason gives plenty of links himself in the news he publishes, so if you want some other sources, go look there. Most of this stuff I found is within the last few months, but some others are a couple years old. The oldest would be the Tempest Smith article, but I think the next oldest one was in 2009. I didnt do a good combing, nor did I add the list of instances some other pagans have sent me, but this is a good start.
Not mentioned are the cases of children being taken away, of the numerous houses and businesses that have been vandalized in past years, of jobs lost, of threats to our lives, of laws passed against us, of the permeable fear that runs in our community from being outed and losing everything we ever cared about, of our families divorcing over these issues. These things continue to happen, and will probably keep happening if the Pagan community does nothing to reach out and stop these events. Click on the odd colored words for the links.
Jamyi Witch, accused of taking hostage a prisoner and raping him. The prisoner, by the way, is a known rapist and psychopath.
Here also is a wiki about the previous discrimination of Jamyi Witch. I know wiki is not the best source, but it does a good job.
The court case Patrick McCollum lost over the rights of pagans in California prisons.
Here also is an account of discrimination to both Patrick and Starhawk herself.
Some info on a bunch of burnings in Africa of accused witches, and a video too. Warning, the video is graphic, but you have to click on a link in the article to see it.
Saved news article about Tempest Smith's death.
The West Memphis Three, accused of killing a young boy as part of a Wiccan blood ritual, finally freed after 18 years.
The murders of Peruvian Shamans.
Attack on a Ukrainan Pagan Temple and assault of a pagan priest there.
"Defining" our religious practices in Virginia.
A Pagan religion being "redefined" to stave off Christian missionaries and cultural eradication.
Accusations of Santeria/Vodun ritual in Florida after animal bodies are found.
Church or Jail? No alternative for Pagans in Alabama
The dangerous NAR and their response to pagans
The controversial Phoenix Goddess Temple and the raid for prostitution
Ritual killings and some other news.
Dogfights over military burials and/or headstones of non-Christian military personnel.
Vandalizing of military widow's property, who were at the heart of getting wiccan symbols on military gravestones.
Response to ignorant Washington Time's article and the Air Force.
Desecration of the Air Force's Pagan Chapel and the subsequent blessing of it.
A fraction of the Native American discrimination.
Hot Topic and a Pagan.
Like I said, this is a fraction of what happens, and most of the articles are within the last few months. Only a handful are from past years. If you have a story, news article, or any other document of discrimination, feel free to share it in the comments.
Blessed be.
Not mentioned are the cases of children being taken away, of the numerous houses and businesses that have been vandalized in past years, of jobs lost, of threats to our lives, of laws passed against us, of the permeable fear that runs in our community from being outed and losing everything we ever cared about, of our families divorcing over these issues. These things continue to happen, and will probably keep happening if the Pagan community does nothing to reach out and stop these events. Click on the odd colored words for the links.
Jamyi Witch, accused of taking hostage a prisoner and raping him. The prisoner, by the way, is a known rapist and psychopath.
Here also is a wiki about the previous discrimination of Jamyi Witch. I know wiki is not the best source, but it does a good job.
The court case Patrick McCollum lost over the rights of pagans in California prisons.
Here also is an account of discrimination to both Patrick and Starhawk herself.
Some info on a bunch of burnings in Africa of accused witches, and a video too. Warning, the video is graphic, but you have to click on a link in the article to see it.
Saved news article about Tempest Smith's death.
The West Memphis Three, accused of killing a young boy as part of a Wiccan blood ritual, finally freed after 18 years.
The murders of Peruvian Shamans.
Attack on a Ukrainan Pagan Temple and assault of a pagan priest there.
"Defining" our religious practices in Virginia.
A Pagan religion being "redefined" to stave off Christian missionaries and cultural eradication.
Accusations of Santeria/Vodun ritual in Florida after animal bodies are found.
Church or Jail? No alternative for Pagans in Alabama
The dangerous NAR and their response to pagans
The controversial Phoenix Goddess Temple and the raid for prostitution
Ritual killings and some other news.
Dogfights over military burials and/or headstones of non-Christian military personnel.
Vandalizing of military widow's property, who were at the heart of getting wiccan symbols on military gravestones.
Response to ignorant Washington Time's article and the Air Force.
Desecration of the Air Force's Pagan Chapel and the subsequent blessing of it.
A fraction of the Native American discrimination.
Hot Topic and a Pagan.
Like I said, this is a fraction of what happens, and most of the articles are within the last few months. Only a handful are from past years. If you have a story, news article, or any other document of discrimination, feel free to share it in the comments.
Blessed be.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Shielding Techniques
Shielding is an easy way to protect yourself. Its portable, strong, simple and you are able to control it. You need to know how to visualize, however.
Technique One - The Bubble
Take a moment to steady yourself and relax. Breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly. Imagine a soap bubble or a bubble gum bubble starting at your mouth. As you breathe out, imagine that bubble getting super big until you are in the middle of the bubble. Make sure that you go slow enough that you keep the image in your mind. Now, really feel that bubble around you, keeping everything negative outside and letting good things come in. Nothing can pop that bubble, not the ground, not others, not anything other than you and only when you want it to go away. Keep it around you until you feel safe again or dont think you need it anymore.
Technique Two - Totem Protection
Some people have a special animal they feel connected to and some people dont know their special animal. If you know your animal, or have one in mind that you want to try, go for it. If not, thats ok too, you can pick an animal you think can protect you, like a wolf, bear, or snake. Im going to use a fox in this example because I love foxes.
Again, steady yourself and relax. Breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly. Now, visualize the fox beside you, as big as you need her/him. She will stay beside you no matter what. Now, visualize anything negative that comes your way is devoured by the fox. It makes her stronger and brighter as she eats it. Anything good that comes your way is shared, as she is a part of you. She will stay with you as long as you want her around.
Technique One - The Bubble
Take a moment to steady yourself and relax. Breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly. Imagine a soap bubble or a bubble gum bubble starting at your mouth. As you breathe out, imagine that bubble getting super big until you are in the middle of the bubble. Make sure that you go slow enough that you keep the image in your mind. Now, really feel that bubble around you, keeping everything negative outside and letting good things come in. Nothing can pop that bubble, not the ground, not others, not anything other than you and only when you want it to go away. Keep it around you until you feel safe again or dont think you need it anymore.
Technique Two - Totem Protection
Some people have a special animal they feel connected to and some people dont know their special animal. If you know your animal, or have one in mind that you want to try, go for it. If not, thats ok too, you can pick an animal you think can protect you, like a wolf, bear, or snake. Im going to use a fox in this example because I love foxes.
Again, steady yourself and relax. Breathe in slowly, breathe out slowly. Now, visualize the fox beside you, as big as you need her/him. She will stay beside you no matter what. Now, visualize anything negative that comes your way is devoured by the fox. It makes her stronger and brighter as she eats it. Anything good that comes your way is shared, as she is a part of you. She will stay with you as long as you want her around.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Energy Vampires and their symptoms
Energy vampires are beings who cannot produce enough energy or any energy at all to mentally "survive" the day to day tasks needed in society today. Energy Vampires, hereon called EVs, crave the energy of their friends, family, and lovers. They tend to have four distinct personality traits.
1) Those who are narcissistic, who continually places their own desires ahead of everyone, always. These people are more likely to be in a position of authority where they can inflict the most damage to their underlings. These can also show up in the relationship, often the EV as the dominate on in the relationship. Some signs of this can be a co-worker or lover going to the EV and specifically telling them something, say complaining about their offensive language, and the EV deliberately ignoring the request. Sometimes the pleasure from this is obvious.
2) Those who have a love/hate relationship with everyone around them, constantly driving people away only to bring them back, often described as push/pull relationships. Some signs of this is the EV will call a lover up and meet with them, have a great time, then vanish, often making the lover worried and frustrated. Sometimes the EV will make rude phone calls or texts only to call later to apologize.
3) Those who believe they are a constant victim. Sometimes these EV believe the world is literally out to get them. They make excuses as to why they are not the problem, and blame others for their mistakes, even if it was obviously them who did it. These EV look for sympathetic people who try to console them or comfort them, but often the EV turns on the people who try to help, ultimately destroying all their relationships.
4) Those who are extremely controlling and seek to invalidate everyone else's thoughts, dreams, and opinions. These people start discussions and debates and always dominate the conversation, ending the debate with their thoughts and presenting them as facts even if they are not. These people try to control everyone around them.
All of these types of EVs feed off the energy gained from others emotions, which are usually negative. There is a certain amount of addictiveness to EVs, with the most addictive one being the love/hate type. People who tend to be around a certain EV will experience consuming thoughts about the EV, especially if they are romantically involved. All of the victims exhibit symptoms of a type of withdrawal once away from said EV, but the most evident is with the love/hate EVs. Some of the symptoms include:
headache, irritability, an inability to concentrate on anything other than the EV, drowsiness, insomnia and pain in the stomach, upper body, and joints
and with prolonged exposure: restlessness, fidgetiness, nervousness, insomnia muscle twitching, a rambling flow of thought and speech, irritability, irregular or rapid heart beat when thinking of the EV, psychomotor agitation, mania, depression, lapses in judgment, disorientation, disinhibition, delusions
Protection from an EV is a relatively simple matter. Place a barrier around you, or you can place a barrier around the EV so it does not feed off of others around. Generally, staying away from the EV also works, but the feelings of withdrawal will still linger until the bond is broken, much like a normal substance that is addictive. Going back to the EV will worsen things, again much like an addictive substance. The longer the exposure, the harder it is to leave.
1) Those who are narcissistic, who continually places their own desires ahead of everyone, always. These people are more likely to be in a position of authority where they can inflict the most damage to their underlings. These can also show up in the relationship, often the EV as the dominate on in the relationship. Some signs of this can be a co-worker or lover going to the EV and specifically telling them something, say complaining about their offensive language, and the EV deliberately ignoring the request. Sometimes the pleasure from this is obvious.
2) Those who have a love/hate relationship with everyone around them, constantly driving people away only to bring them back, often described as push/pull relationships. Some signs of this is the EV will call a lover up and meet with them, have a great time, then vanish, often making the lover worried and frustrated. Sometimes the EV will make rude phone calls or texts only to call later to apologize.
3) Those who believe they are a constant victim. Sometimes these EV believe the world is literally out to get them. They make excuses as to why they are not the problem, and blame others for their mistakes, even if it was obviously them who did it. These EV look for sympathetic people who try to console them or comfort them, but often the EV turns on the people who try to help, ultimately destroying all their relationships.
4) Those who are extremely controlling and seek to invalidate everyone else's thoughts, dreams, and opinions. These people start discussions and debates and always dominate the conversation, ending the debate with their thoughts and presenting them as facts even if they are not. These people try to control everyone around them.
All of these types of EVs feed off the energy gained from others emotions, which are usually negative. There is a certain amount of addictiveness to EVs, with the most addictive one being the love/hate type. People who tend to be around a certain EV will experience consuming thoughts about the EV, especially if they are romantically involved. All of the victims exhibit symptoms of a type of withdrawal once away from said EV, but the most evident is with the love/hate EVs. Some of the symptoms include:
headache, irritability, an inability to concentrate on anything other than the EV, drowsiness, insomnia and pain in the stomach, upper body, and joints
and with prolonged exposure: restlessness, fidgetiness, nervousness, insomnia muscle twitching, a rambling flow of thought and speech, irritability, irregular or rapid heart beat when thinking of the EV, psychomotor agitation, mania, depression, lapses in judgment, disorientation, disinhibition, delusions
Protection from an EV is a relatively simple matter. Place a barrier around you, or you can place a barrier around the EV so it does not feed off of others around. Generally, staying away from the EV also works, but the feelings of withdrawal will still linger until the bond is broken, much like a normal substance that is addictive. Going back to the EV will worsen things, again much like an addictive substance. The longer the exposure, the harder it is to leave.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Lord and Lady
I believe in the Lord and Lady, or the God and Goddess as some say. I believe in multiple gods and goddesses, which would make me polytheistic. My Lord and Lady don't have a name, but a good portion of other pagans already know who their deity is.
My deities are not Satan. I don't believe in the christian idea of Satan, or Hell for that matter. I believe there is a place that everyone goes, good and bad, who are stripped of most of their memories and are reborn again. I believe that the Lord goes through many cycles of his life, just like the Lady and us humans. He descends into the Summerlands, where he is reborn again. These are the general things that Wiccan's believe.
As for me, I think that all pantheons have their own histories that can be true, and that most of them overlap.
The Lord and Lady are not entirely good, but they are not entirely evil either. They have Their own personalities and quarks like humans, and they have feelings, if not the same as ours. Loki is the God of Mischief in the Norse pantheon and He plays tricks on His followers that can sometimes be considered cruel. But He also defends and protects His believers, and harshly deals with people who harm His own.
The Deities have given people special abilities that help, or sometimes can hinder, our lives. Most people shy away from Their gift, but more and more people are accepting it.
I would say that They are accepting and do not judge, but I would be lying. But despite this, They are always willing to help us out and protect us. We as witches try to build a relationship with our Gods, and most serious followers succeed. Sometimes we may never know the names of our Gods, sometimes we are told from the start. But it doesnt matter who They are as long as we know They are there.
I think one of the best parts of my beliefs is that I don't need a priest or priestess to talk to the Divine. I can talk to Them whenever I want to, about anything. To me it is like a love relationship. Sometimes we have fights, other times we couldn't agree more, and sometimes its a one sided battle. But the relationship still continues despite everything. Its a feeling of having Them right by you, not as a superior, but as a best friend, a parent, and almost an equal. Its not like the way I felt when I was in church, that God was some unreachable deity who didn't care about someone as insignificant as me.
I am still working on my relationship with Them, but I love them nonetheless.
My deities are not Satan. I don't believe in the christian idea of Satan, or Hell for that matter. I believe there is a place that everyone goes, good and bad, who are stripped of most of their memories and are reborn again. I believe that the Lord goes through many cycles of his life, just like the Lady and us humans. He descends into the Summerlands, where he is reborn again. These are the general things that Wiccan's believe.
As for me, I think that all pantheons have their own histories that can be true, and that most of them overlap.
The Lord and Lady are not entirely good, but they are not entirely evil either. They have Their own personalities and quarks like humans, and they have feelings, if not the same as ours. Loki is the God of Mischief in the Norse pantheon and He plays tricks on His followers that can sometimes be considered cruel. But He also defends and protects His believers, and harshly deals with people who harm His own.
The Deities have given people special abilities that help, or sometimes can hinder, our lives. Most people shy away from Their gift, but more and more people are accepting it.
I would say that They are accepting and do not judge, but I would be lying. But despite this, They are always willing to help us out and protect us. We as witches try to build a relationship with our Gods, and most serious followers succeed. Sometimes we may never know the names of our Gods, sometimes we are told from the start. But it doesnt matter who They are as long as we know They are there.
I think one of the best parts of my beliefs is that I don't need a priest or priestess to talk to the Divine. I can talk to Them whenever I want to, about anything. To me it is like a love relationship. Sometimes we have fights, other times we couldn't agree more, and sometimes its a one sided battle. But the relationship still continues despite everything. Its a feeling of having Them right by you, not as a superior, but as a best friend, a parent, and almost an equal. Its not like the way I felt when I was in church, that God was some unreachable deity who didn't care about someone as insignificant as me.
I am still working on my relationship with Them, but I love them nonetheless.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Getting Started on Magick
Well, since I decided to change this blog from a personal one to a religious one, Ills start off by clearing some of the myths of paganism and explaining some of the major beliefs in Wicca. Most of the beliefs in Wicca are shared throughout paganism, no matter what tradition or sect. From here on, I will refer to Wicca or any other sect as the broad term Paganism.
Firstly, Paganism is NOT Satanism. It IS NOT Satanism. Pagans do not even believe in the Christian's concept of the Devil or Hell. There are people who believe in Lucifer, but that's for another post.
Second, Paganism is not some fad that teens wear to rebel against their parents. Paganism is a religion, with its own rules, that is something to be taken seriously. It can be a life changing event. Kids who use it like a fad are just looking for attention in school.
Wiccans believe in no harm, and the threefold law. Those beliefs carry on to Paganism. The Wiccan rede states "an ye harm none, do what ye will". But that means you can't hurt yourself either. And the threefold law is whatever you send out comes back times three.
And one of the biggest differences between Christianity and Paganism is that Pagans don't actively convert people. If you want to be a pagan, you search for yourself.
That's all I have for now. Til later.
Firstly, Paganism is NOT Satanism. It IS NOT Satanism. Pagans do not even believe in the Christian's concept of the Devil or Hell. There are people who believe in Lucifer, but that's for another post.
Second, Paganism is not some fad that teens wear to rebel against their parents. Paganism is a religion, with its own rules, that is something to be taken seriously. It can be a life changing event. Kids who use it like a fad are just looking for attention in school.
Wiccans believe in no harm, and the threefold law. Those beliefs carry on to Paganism. The Wiccan rede states "an ye harm none, do what ye will". But that means you can't hurt yourself either. And the threefold law is whatever you send out comes back times three.
And one of the biggest differences between Christianity and Paganism is that Pagans don't actively convert people. If you want to be a pagan, you search for yourself.
That's all I have for now. Til later.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A letter to him, from me
I love you isn't strong enough to express what I feel for you. My soul loves you with all its fibers, my body aches to be with you with every cell. I cannot help but cry when you do, and I cannot help being happy with you, for you. I am so wrapped up in you that I think of you every minute. I only think of you when I am with you. You deserve no less.
You are everything to me. I don't mean this lightly. You. Are. My. Everything. I adore you, everything about you. I love your soul, I love all of you, every part, all the whole. I love you for you, and just for you, and not for anything else.
You deserve the best. You deserve to have anything you want. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved. You deserve everything. I can't express this enough; you deserve it.
I do not pity you; I know better than that. I am only sorry I cannot fix your woes and your pain. I look into your eyes and see the pain that is there. I see all of your troubles, and it strikes me every time to want to to press you to my chest and keep you there. I want to turn your darkness to light.
I don't want to hurt you. I would hurt myself before I would hurt you. I don't want to make the same mistakes that they did, and I don't want to be like them. I want to be better, for you. Don't think that everyone will hurt you in the end; it doesn't always end like that. Just remember that you have more than one person who loves you dearly. And always remember that you love more than one person dearly.
I love you so much, it can't be expressed in the English language. So we came up with the word. Uber Heart.
________________
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
You are everything to me. I don't mean this lightly. You. Are. My. Everything. I adore you, everything about you. I love your soul, I love all of you, every part, all the whole. I love you for you, and just for you, and not for anything else.
You deserve the best. You deserve to have anything you want. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved. You deserve everything. I can't express this enough; you deserve it.
I do not pity you; I know better than that. I am only sorry I cannot fix your woes and your pain. I look into your eyes and see the pain that is there. I see all of your troubles, and it strikes me every time to want to to press you to my chest and keep you there. I want to turn your darkness to light.
I don't want to hurt you. I would hurt myself before I would hurt you. I don't want to make the same mistakes that they did, and I don't want to be like them. I want to be better, for you. Don't think that everyone will hurt you in the end; it doesn't always end like that. Just remember that you have more than one person who loves you dearly. And always remember that you love more than one person dearly.
I love you so much, it can't be expressed in the English language. So we came up with the word. Uber Heart.
________________
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
A letter to me, from him.
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
Oh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Oh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know
If you still care don't ever let me know
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
Oh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Oh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know
If you still care don't ever let me know
Young
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
I see the children in the rain
Like the parade before the pain
I see the love, I see the hate
I see this world that we can make
I see the life, I see the sky
Give it all to see you fly
Yes, we wave this flag of hatred
But you're the ones who made it
Watch the beauty of all our lies
Passing right before my eyes
I hear the hate in all your words
All the wars to make us hurt
We get so sick oh so sick
We never wanted all this
Medication for the kids with no reason to live
So we march to the drums
Of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
As we walk among these shadows
In these streets, these fields of battle
Take it up, we wear the medal
Raise your hands with burning candles
Hear us whisper in the dark
In the rain you see the spark
Feel the beating of our hearts
Fleeting hope as we depart
All together, walk alone
Against all we've ever known
All we've ever really wanted
Was a place to call our home
But you take all we are
The innocence of our hearts
Made to kneel before the alter
As you tear us apart
So we march to the drums
Of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We will fight or we will fall
Till the angels save us all (4x)
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart (2x)
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
I see the children in the rain
Like the parade before the pain
I see the love, I see the hate
I see this world that we can make
I see the life, I see the sky
Give it all to see you fly
Yes, we wave this flag of hatred
But you're the ones who made it
Watch the beauty of all our lies
Passing right before my eyes
I hear the hate in all your words
All the wars to make us hurt
We get so sick oh so sick
We never wanted all this
Medication for the kids with no reason to live
So we march to the drums
Of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
As we walk among these shadows
In these streets, these fields of battle
Take it up, we wear the medal
Raise your hands with burning candles
Hear us whisper in the dark
In the rain you see the spark
Feel the beating of our hearts
Fleeting hope as we depart
All together, walk alone
Against all we've ever known
All we've ever really wanted
Was a place to call our home
But you take all we are
The innocence of our hearts
Made to kneel before the alter
As you tear us apart
So we march to the drums
Of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We will fight or we will fall
Till the angels save us all (4x)
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart (2x)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Confessions of My Life
Ill start at the beginning, when I remembered the abuse. Please remember this is from my point of view. Some parts aren't PG, so be careful.
I remember being in Mt Zion elementary school when I was young, sitting in the corner alone because the other kids were vicious to me. They would tease me, telling me I was ugly and worthless, throwing toys at me just because they could. Sure I told the teacher, but she wouldn't be around when they did something. Plus I got called a rat and teased even worse. In the playground I got pinched, and I pinched him back. I was the one who got in trouble, not him. I became so depressed I blocked most of my life out. Sure I remember the shrinks and meds, but they were small dots in a meaningless life. After a time I became enclosed and withdrawn from everyone, even my parents, forgetting what I did or why right after it happened. The day I left that school, I was playing kickball and happened to kick it really hard. We won the game and they cheered by name. I was surprised after all the years of shit they had put me through that this time was the first and only time my peers were happy with me. It crushed my heart.
Rabbit Run was were we lived at the time. I remember those kids well. I did have a good time there, much better than at school, though not by much. My best friend Alex lived next to me, and she was a good enough friend, though we had our problems. She didn't like to share much, and was snotty. But she and another kid Robbie was the best to me out of all of the kids. Robbie, Tommy, Travis, John, Jeremy, and Samantha were the other kids. Tommy and Travis took to throwing rocks at me when they had a bad day, John was always an asshole, but Robbie was quiet. Samantha, however, was a little older than me. One day I had found a sex toy in my parent's room, and decided to show it to Sam. She was joyous, but when someone was coming down the hall, she put it in a hole in the wall. Later that day she and another girl decided to make a club in the room. I wanted to join in, but they said I had to do something first. When I asked what, they said I had to kiss them. When I said eww, Sam grabbed my head and pressed her lips hard to mine, forcing her tongue in. When I finally pulled away, she had said I was a great kisser, which prompted the other girl to try. She tasted like smoke... A year or two later, I met a cousin of Jeremy's. He liked me, and started to flirt with me. He convinced me to go into Jeremy's boat shed, and I got cornered in there. He came up close to me, and put his hands under my shirt, and touched my almost nonexistent breasts. I told him I didn't like what he was doing, but he ignored me and said instead that I was "coming along nicely". I finally managed to pull away from him and ran away. I ran home, but one of my dad's friend's daughter saw what had happened and I was forced to retell what had happened that day. Dad was livid, went over to kill the boy, finding out that he had left earlier that day. Dad vowed if he saw him again he wouldn't be nice.
Then we moved to somewhere else, i don't remember where, and my first day was just like at the other one; kids decided I was the new target. A few more months of hell and we had to leave again. Last day the twins that had made my life horrible extended their hand to me in friendship, and explained to me that that's what they tried to do when I first came there, but that I had been mean and rude and withdrawn. I think this was Tennessee.
We moved into Stockbridge, GA then. First day was better than the last ones. I met a nice girl and we became friends. I was promised that we weren't going to move again, and I was setting up a life there. I got into band, and so did my best friend Brianna. I played flute, she clarinet. Several months later Mom's friend Sandra was getting evicted, so we said she could live with us; we had plenty of room. She and her kids John (remember him? From Rabbit Run) and Chris moved in. A couple of weeks went past, and things started to go very wrong.
John and Chris started to verbally abuse me, then started to hit me and my dog, Sugar. My things were stolen, trashed, ruined. I went through Chris's chest (he was 18 at the time) and found several of my cups and some of my more valuable stuff that was missing, like Gameboy games and CDs. I came home one day and my bike tires had be slashed. I went out to the store with my mom and when I came back my room was trashed, bed pulled apart, Gameboy on with no game in it on the floor, a bag of beads cut open and scattered around my room. I was appalled. Well, one night I was out with John and went to the trailer park down the road. I met a guy named Eric, shorter than me, fatter, and slightly repulsive. At the end of the night, he convinced me to kiss him. "It won't hurt anything" I thought, so I did it. It was the most disguising kiss I've gotten. Its like kissing a toad with a dying fish as a tongue. Then we went to a ditch and he asked me to take off my cloths so we could have sex. I was maybe 12? I didn't do it, but instead said I had to go home. John came with me.
We got home, and I went into Johns room to watch tv. He said very sweet words to me, and soon we were kissing. That one felt wonderful. After that night we were kind of a couple, but it was a wrong relationship. In public he would cuss at me, berate me and abuse me, but in private he told me he loved me. Then one night he wanted to try something. I wasn't exactly willing, but I didn't refuse. Not a no, but not an exact yes. He took off our clothes. Nothing physical happened, no penetration, but it had its effect. After that everything kept getting worse, fights broke out between my parents. Sandra had made it look like my dad was cheating on my mom, and it was working. Their communication wasn't great to begin with, but she made it even worse.
My dad suddenly left one night, and I didn't realize it until I came home that day. Mom was the one who told me. I couldn't believe it, he left. When everything got bad, he ditched us. I hated him for a long long time. And a part of me still hates him today. But that day began an even worse hell than before. I started to get messed up in the mind. I went with John to a trailer park near my house where we met this guy Eric (same age as me). We hung out for the day, and when night came around he asked me to kiss him. I thought, what's the worst that could happen? Well he licked him lips before, which caused a bucket of drool to stay on his lips and mouth area. I was grossed out, esp since it felt like killing a frog with a dead fish as a tongue. Yuk. After that we headed to a ditch like creek area where he asked me to have sex with him. I left after he asked.
Later, I was in John's room watching tv when we kissed. I don't remember how it happened. But it felt better than what Eric's was by a hundred times. After that day I kind of became his girlfriend. Keep in mind that they tortured me. It was no different when I was with him, it actually got worse. He was the classic abusive boyfriend; hit me and degrade me in public and say I love you in private. One day I was sleeping in the nude when John, also naked, came into my room. He woke me up when he climbed into my bed. Then he proceeded to mount me. I didn't stop him, but I didn't want him to do that. Nothing more happened, I kept my virginity. But it happened again, only in my parents room. Only flopping around happened, but it still felt bad. The situation at home got to the point where I was crying myself to sleep every night, where I wasn't trying to remember what had happened 30 minutes prior. I slept with my back to the wall, afraid that I would get stabbed or hurt if I didn't face the door. That trait persisted until about a year ago here in Tx.
I had made a life in Stockbridge Ga, but John had managed to destroy even my relationship with my best friends. When I moved here, I had nothing left in me again. I was close to suicide, an extreme Im glad I didn't take. But I seriously contemplated ending it for me forever, knowing full well what would happen after and not caring. I couldn't stand to breath, let alone go through any more pretending.
Then I met the one person who turned my life around. The first time I met him was a major impact to me in and of itself. His name was Raven, and he was dating my friend. I got off the bus with her one morning, going through the motions once again, trying to not be noticed by anyone, when I see something moving in the shadows. I look up only to be stunned and startled by the most handsome, dark man I had ever seen in my life. He flowed through the shadows like it was just another part of him, dressing him darker than his already black clothes. I was so awed, so stunned, so parlayed that I couldn't move or talk. I just stood there gaping at him. And when they started to move to the school, I found myself following them. After that I couldn't stop thinking of him.
He was the turning point of my life. He was the one who taught me much about my religion, and I also am indebted to him for saving my life, not once, but thrice. I admit that some of his techniques were a bit brutal, but it got the point across. Like the "If you commit suicide I will come Across and kick your ass into the flames" rule. He sparred with me, taught me combat with a dagger and with other various knifes, showed me how to really look at people, how to connect. He showed me the world in different eyes.
Oh, but he does have guilt on him. I tried to play a joke on him, telling him that I wanted to have sex with him. Well we ended up in the woods, and I was backing out, saying it was a joke, that I wouldn't do it with him. But I am very sensitive to touch, and he managed to sway my mind. I convinced myself after that day that that was what I wanted, but I felt guiltily and weird about it. But it didn't happen just that once, between me and him. It reoccurred over a few months. But it cant be called anything but a mistake, because I guess I could have walked away, though I was in a bad mental state still.
After about a year total knowing him, I broke away from him. I told him I didn't want to talk to him again, that if he wanted to apologize, he would have to call me or meet me. But I knew he wouldn't do that. So I don't talk to the one who saved me.
Now my parents are divorcing, and it is not a pretty one. I seem to be getting caught in the middle of everything, and its tearing me up all over. I have a boyfriend now too, and I thank the Gods that I have him, because if it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be as stable as I am now. He's making me deal with things I never wanted to deal with, but its necessary. I am so grateful for him. He points me in the right direction, now I just need to listen to him.
I suffer emotional problems from all the trauma Ive gone through. I can't be touched without me seeing it first. Ive hurt people because they came behind me and touched me. I cannot fully trust anyone, though I am trusting J (my boyfriend) and Sora, my best friend, more than usual. I cannot have a normal relationship. It is hard for me to show affection, esp in public. I tend to keep things to myself, even things that trouble me greatly. I tend to hide stuff from people. I have a food problem, eating to make myself feel better. Im always critical of others, never letting them get too close.
Ive gotten better about some of this stuff, but most of it is still a problem.
Ive shared my story with you, something I haven't told anyone ever. No one knew about this before, but now its out in the light, and I feel much better about it.
I remember being in Mt Zion elementary school when I was young, sitting in the corner alone because the other kids were vicious to me. They would tease me, telling me I was ugly and worthless, throwing toys at me just because they could. Sure I told the teacher, but she wouldn't be around when they did something. Plus I got called a rat and teased even worse. In the playground I got pinched, and I pinched him back. I was the one who got in trouble, not him. I became so depressed I blocked most of my life out. Sure I remember the shrinks and meds, but they were small dots in a meaningless life. After a time I became enclosed and withdrawn from everyone, even my parents, forgetting what I did or why right after it happened. The day I left that school, I was playing kickball and happened to kick it really hard. We won the game and they cheered by name. I was surprised after all the years of shit they had put me through that this time was the first and only time my peers were happy with me. It crushed my heart.
Rabbit Run was were we lived at the time. I remember those kids well. I did have a good time there, much better than at school, though not by much. My best friend Alex lived next to me, and she was a good enough friend, though we had our problems. She didn't like to share much, and was snotty. But she and another kid Robbie was the best to me out of all of the kids. Robbie, Tommy, Travis, John, Jeremy, and Samantha were the other kids. Tommy and Travis took to throwing rocks at me when they had a bad day, John was always an asshole, but Robbie was quiet. Samantha, however, was a little older than me. One day I had found a sex toy in my parent's room, and decided to show it to Sam. She was joyous, but when someone was coming down the hall, she put it in a hole in the wall. Later that day she and another girl decided to make a club in the room. I wanted to join in, but they said I had to do something first. When I asked what, they said I had to kiss them. When I said eww, Sam grabbed my head and pressed her lips hard to mine, forcing her tongue in. When I finally pulled away, she had said I was a great kisser, which prompted the other girl to try. She tasted like smoke... A year or two later, I met a cousin of Jeremy's. He liked me, and started to flirt with me. He convinced me to go into Jeremy's boat shed, and I got cornered in there. He came up close to me, and put his hands under my shirt, and touched my almost nonexistent breasts. I told him I didn't like what he was doing, but he ignored me and said instead that I was "coming along nicely". I finally managed to pull away from him and ran away. I ran home, but one of my dad's friend's daughter saw what had happened and I was forced to retell what had happened that day. Dad was livid, went over to kill the boy, finding out that he had left earlier that day. Dad vowed if he saw him again he wouldn't be nice.
Then we moved to somewhere else, i don't remember where, and my first day was just like at the other one; kids decided I was the new target. A few more months of hell and we had to leave again. Last day the twins that had made my life horrible extended their hand to me in friendship, and explained to me that that's what they tried to do when I first came there, but that I had been mean and rude and withdrawn. I think this was Tennessee.
We moved into Stockbridge, GA then. First day was better than the last ones. I met a nice girl and we became friends. I was promised that we weren't going to move again, and I was setting up a life there. I got into band, and so did my best friend Brianna. I played flute, she clarinet. Several months later Mom's friend Sandra was getting evicted, so we said she could live with us; we had plenty of room. She and her kids John (remember him? From Rabbit Run) and Chris moved in. A couple of weeks went past, and things started to go very wrong.
John and Chris started to verbally abuse me, then started to hit me and my dog, Sugar. My things were stolen, trashed, ruined. I went through Chris's chest (he was 18 at the time) and found several of my cups and some of my more valuable stuff that was missing, like Gameboy games and CDs. I came home one day and my bike tires had be slashed. I went out to the store with my mom and when I came back my room was trashed, bed pulled apart, Gameboy on with no game in it on the floor, a bag of beads cut open and scattered around my room. I was appalled. Well, one night I was out with John and went to the trailer park down the road. I met a guy named Eric, shorter than me, fatter, and slightly repulsive. At the end of the night, he convinced me to kiss him. "It won't hurt anything" I thought, so I did it. It was the most disguising kiss I've gotten. Its like kissing a toad with a dying fish as a tongue. Then we went to a ditch and he asked me to take off my cloths so we could have sex. I was maybe 12? I didn't do it, but instead said I had to go home. John came with me.
We got home, and I went into Johns room to watch tv. He said very sweet words to me, and soon we were kissing. That one felt wonderful. After that night we were kind of a couple, but it was a wrong relationship. In public he would cuss at me, berate me and abuse me, but in private he told me he loved me. Then one night he wanted to try something. I wasn't exactly willing, but I didn't refuse. Not a no, but not an exact yes. He took off our clothes. Nothing physical happened, no penetration, but it had its effect. After that everything kept getting worse, fights broke out between my parents. Sandra had made it look like my dad was cheating on my mom, and it was working. Their communication wasn't great to begin with, but she made it even worse.
My dad suddenly left one night, and I didn't realize it until I came home that day. Mom was the one who told me. I couldn't believe it, he left. When everything got bad, he ditched us. I hated him for a long long time. And a part of me still hates him today. But that day began an even worse hell than before. I started to get messed up in the mind. I went with John to a trailer park near my house where we met this guy Eric (same age as me). We hung out for the day, and when night came around he asked me to kiss him. I thought, what's the worst that could happen? Well he licked him lips before, which caused a bucket of drool to stay on his lips and mouth area. I was grossed out, esp since it felt like killing a frog with a dead fish as a tongue. Yuk. After that we headed to a ditch like creek area where he asked me to have sex with him. I left after he asked.
Later, I was in John's room watching tv when we kissed. I don't remember how it happened. But it felt better than what Eric's was by a hundred times. After that day I kind of became his girlfriend. Keep in mind that they tortured me. It was no different when I was with him, it actually got worse. He was the classic abusive boyfriend; hit me and degrade me in public and say I love you in private. One day I was sleeping in the nude when John, also naked, came into my room. He woke me up when he climbed into my bed. Then he proceeded to mount me. I didn't stop him, but I didn't want him to do that. Nothing more happened, I kept my virginity. But it happened again, only in my parents room. Only flopping around happened, but it still felt bad. The situation at home got to the point where I was crying myself to sleep every night, where I wasn't trying to remember what had happened 30 minutes prior. I slept with my back to the wall, afraid that I would get stabbed or hurt if I didn't face the door. That trait persisted until about a year ago here in Tx.
I had made a life in Stockbridge Ga, but John had managed to destroy even my relationship with my best friends. When I moved here, I had nothing left in me again. I was close to suicide, an extreme Im glad I didn't take. But I seriously contemplated ending it for me forever, knowing full well what would happen after and not caring. I couldn't stand to breath, let alone go through any more pretending.
Then I met the one person who turned my life around. The first time I met him was a major impact to me in and of itself. His name was Raven, and he was dating my friend. I got off the bus with her one morning, going through the motions once again, trying to not be noticed by anyone, when I see something moving in the shadows. I look up only to be stunned and startled by the most handsome, dark man I had ever seen in my life. He flowed through the shadows like it was just another part of him, dressing him darker than his already black clothes. I was so awed, so stunned, so parlayed that I couldn't move or talk. I just stood there gaping at him. And when they started to move to the school, I found myself following them. After that I couldn't stop thinking of him.
He was the turning point of my life. He was the one who taught me much about my religion, and I also am indebted to him for saving my life, not once, but thrice. I admit that some of his techniques were a bit brutal, but it got the point across. Like the "If you commit suicide I will come Across and kick your ass into the flames" rule. He sparred with me, taught me combat with a dagger and with other various knifes, showed me how to really look at people, how to connect. He showed me the world in different eyes.
Oh, but he does have guilt on him. I tried to play a joke on him, telling him that I wanted to have sex with him. Well we ended up in the woods, and I was backing out, saying it was a joke, that I wouldn't do it with him. But I am very sensitive to touch, and he managed to sway my mind. I convinced myself after that day that that was what I wanted, but I felt guiltily and weird about it. But it didn't happen just that once, between me and him. It reoccurred over a few months. But it cant be called anything but a mistake, because I guess I could have walked away, though I was in a bad mental state still.
After about a year total knowing him, I broke away from him. I told him I didn't want to talk to him again, that if he wanted to apologize, he would have to call me or meet me. But I knew he wouldn't do that. So I don't talk to the one who saved me.
Now my parents are divorcing, and it is not a pretty one. I seem to be getting caught in the middle of everything, and its tearing me up all over. I have a boyfriend now too, and I thank the Gods that I have him, because if it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be as stable as I am now. He's making me deal with things I never wanted to deal with, but its necessary. I am so grateful for him. He points me in the right direction, now I just need to listen to him.
I suffer emotional problems from all the trauma Ive gone through. I can't be touched without me seeing it first. Ive hurt people because they came behind me and touched me. I cannot fully trust anyone, though I am trusting J (my boyfriend) and Sora, my best friend, more than usual. I cannot have a normal relationship. It is hard for me to show affection, esp in public. I tend to keep things to myself, even things that trouble me greatly. I tend to hide stuff from people. I have a food problem, eating to make myself feel better. Im always critical of others, never letting them get too close.
Ive gotten better about some of this stuff, but most of it is still a problem.
Ive shared my story with you, something I haven't told anyone ever. No one knew about this before, but now its out in the light, and I feel much better about it.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Yay!
I found my blog again! Ill start posting more here for y'all to see so its more interesting. :)
So what have i been up to? The usual; getting over my head, starting fights with my family and friends, and playing Travian. I have a boyfriend now! He is so lovely, he makes me feel so wonderful. The only downside (that i dont see) is that he is 10 years older than me. But i love him so there.
So what have i been up to? The usual; getting over my head, starting fights with my family and friends, and playing Travian. I have a boyfriend now! He is so lovely, he makes me feel so wonderful. The only downside (that i dont see) is that he is 10 years older than me. But i love him so there.
I work at (An Amusement Park That Have Less Than Seven Flags) as well. Its a good job, hot but good. I cannot actually say its name because if i do, and say something bad about it, i am liable and could not only get fired but have charges pressed on me. Acutally, if I do alot of stuff i could get fired. Like pulling out my phone in front of a Guest (people who come there to play). I could get fired on the spot. Not checking all the safety restraints could get a lawsuit and termination, even if the seats are empty. Speaking ill of the park is also bad, so is not smiling, not saying their slogan, not being nice to the Guests, etc. Such a hassle.
I am bored with life. Just so bored. I can't stand working bc it bores me to the core. And school will only be worse. I can tell you now that i won't have any time at all to be happy. Working working working. I don't see how you people can stand that.
Oh well. Shall we look at the world now? ... No? Ok, maybe later.
I am bored with life. Just so bored. I can't stand working bc it bores me to the core. And school will only be worse. I can tell you now that i won't have any time at all to be happy. Working working working. I don't see how you people can stand that.
Oh well. Shall we look at the world now? ... No? Ok, maybe later.
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Fox and The Bird
Sionnach hit the floor with a crunch. The bones in her arms had just broken, but that was the least of her worries. Thorn was in a rage.
"You *****! How dare you! How dare you bite me like that!" Sionnach had sunken her sharp teeth deep into Thorn, ripping the skin off, just so she could try to run away. He slapped her again, nearly breaking her neck but split her lip open instead. Blood was everywhere. "Stop! I'm sorry! I won't do it again. I'm sorry." Sionnach plead. Thorn paused for a second, anger still on his perfect features, then he turned to the guard, Alister, and spat, "Put her in her chains. Don't feed her, give her drink or talk to her until I decide otherwise. If you disobey me, I will kill you." Thorn stormed out of the room. Sionnach knew better than to think he still wasn't angry, and soon enough she could hear Thorn slaughtering the humans in the feeding pits.
"Are you okay, Volpe?" Alister bent over to check Sionnach's injures. Her wounds had already healed, a gift she was blessed with since she was a child.
"Yeah, I'm fine Al. I thought Thorn told you not to talk to me?" Anger and pain lacing her words.
"I'm not worried about him. It was just an empty threat. Besides, I can kill him in a heartbeat if I wanted." Alister retorted, a little hurt.
Sionnach turned on him suddenly, "Then why haven't you already?! Look at what he does to me! I might not get up the next time. He wouldn't let things like this happen to me..." She started to cry, the familiar darkness swirling in her stomach. Alister lost his kindness at her harsh words and gazed at her. He knew what happened to her when Thorn brought friends over. He knew about the way Thorn treated her, used her. He knew about the only love she ever had and how she lost it all. Alister picked her up and brought her over to the wall, where the chains Thorn installed were. He chained her up and left the room, leaving her alone to cry.
Sionnach wept bitterly. Ever since her lover left her, her life had gone ever downward, spiraling into the darkest of abysses. The emptiness in her soul had gotten wider with every passing day until there was nothing left of her original, playful, peaceful self. All that was for her to offer was a cold, hollow, unfeeling girl. She attempted to take her life many times, but couldn't cut deep enough to end her suffering. The thought of her savior kept the blade from biting too deeply...
~~~~~~~~~~
** Edited for your viewing pleasures.
"You *****! How dare you! How dare you bite me like that!" Sionnach had sunken her sharp teeth deep into Thorn, ripping the skin off, just so she could try to run away. He slapped her again, nearly breaking her neck but split her lip open instead. Blood was everywhere. "Stop! I'm sorry! I won't do it again. I'm sorry." Sionnach plead. Thorn paused for a second, anger still on his perfect features, then he turned to the guard, Alister, and spat, "Put her in her chains. Don't feed her, give her drink or talk to her until I decide otherwise. If you disobey me, I will kill you." Thorn stormed out of the room. Sionnach knew better than to think he still wasn't angry, and soon enough she could hear Thorn slaughtering the humans in the feeding pits.
"Are you okay, Volpe?" Alister bent over to check Sionnach's injures. Her wounds had already healed, a gift she was blessed with since she was a child.
"Yeah, I'm fine Al. I thought Thorn told you not to talk to me?" Anger and pain lacing her words.
"I'm not worried about him. It was just an empty threat. Besides, I can kill him in a heartbeat if I wanted." Alister retorted, a little hurt.
Sionnach turned on him suddenly, "Then why haven't you already?! Look at what he does to me! I might not get up the next time. He wouldn't let things like this happen to me..." She started to cry, the familiar darkness swirling in her stomach. Alister lost his kindness at her harsh words and gazed at her. He knew what happened to her when Thorn brought friends over. He knew about the way Thorn treated her, used her. He knew about the only love she ever had and how she lost it all. Alister picked her up and brought her over to the wall, where the chains Thorn installed were. He chained her up and left the room, leaving her alone to cry.
Sionnach wept bitterly. Ever since her lover left her, her life had gone ever downward, spiraling into the darkest of abysses. The emptiness in her soul had gotten wider with every passing day until there was nothing left of her original, playful, peaceful self. All that was for her to offer was a cold, hollow, unfeeling girl. She attempted to take her life many times, but couldn't cut deep enough to end her suffering. The thought of her savior kept the blade from biting too deeply...
~~~~~~~~~~
** Edited for your viewing pleasures.
My Stories
Im going to be giving the three of yall parts of the book im writing. Its a fiction fantasy type book, but I like it so far. Tell me what you think!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
SCREW YOU
I have been playing a game called Travian for about 9 or so months. On my main server -or game board- I have been the leader for the alliance /that used to be/ called ~KiWi~ since May of 2008. I was the Co-Founder of it; Wigghammer being the other half.
Last Thursday, all of our hard damn work, all our backbreaking struggling against enemies, all our time, the whole alliance, is gone. I feel so betrayed...
We had a confederation with with another alliance called BBB, lead by Connie. They had said for months that "we are one. We are merged". I never believed them, I always thought that it was a sick joke or that Wigg never told them the truth. Wigg had told me that one day we weren't merged, the next that we were. He was confused at it himself.
But I get on that dreadful Thursday and find that my alliance is gone. No longer KiWi. Nope, its United now, with the main branch United. No more does my voice matter, no more do I even exist as a leader. Now I am nothing to them but a nuisance.
I decided that I would leave it to crumble from the inside out and watch it fall and burn. See, Connie's alliance was falling apart itself due to poor leadership and member frustration. BBB was a combination of APRON and KB; KB was lead by Kross, who ruined that alliance before the merge. So when these alliances merged -very well actually, due mainly because of a player named Ramoth- they wanted KiWi as well and we just didn't want to commit to it.
Tid Bit -- Kross had an accident of some sort and didn't get on for a long time. As the alliance started to fall, his account became yellow (inactive for 2 days), turning to red (bad, inactive for 3 or 4 days) then finally turning gray (very bad, inactive for a week+). By that time, KB was burning what was left of itself. Many great players fled the alliance for stronger ones, including the top ranking alliances DH (rank 3) and STORM (rank 2). Connie took the rest of KB in.
So now here I am; my original account given to a friend, my former alliance mates forsaken to that pit -that disgusting joke of an alliance- and I am now dueling with a friend in a higher, better alliance. I did try to save that alliance, but when no one listens to you and other's trust in you is shot, its best to just leave them to themselves. So to you Connie, who screwed me over royally then proceeded to rub it in, be glad that the person I am dueling with doens't want to attack you, for if I had it my way, you would be long gone by now. To you Wigghammer, the guy I always trusted and respected, I wish the best for you. To you Natas, who went behind my back and ruined KiWi and doomed United, you did what you were told to do and what you thought was right for the alliance. I don't blame you for any of this and I have no hard feelings against you. I am only sorry that you have to go through this. To Txnoy, Tritum, Leah, Mean Squirrel, and all my children, I am sorry I am not there for you anymore. I truly am sorry that this all happened behind your backs, I am sorry that you never knew about the so called "merge", I am so sorry that you have been cursed, doomed to be DH's punching bag... I hate it that you are being punished for something you were told to do. I hate it that you are being punish for something that isn't your fault...
Only a mother can truly grieve the loss of her dearest children... Now I can only mourn from a distance... :'[
And Connie, this is your fault. It is all your fault. Everything. You should feel horrible about this, yet you sit there spreading lies and make it worse for everyone else, digging the hole deeper for yourself and others. I can't believe you!! You tell me that I should "learn to be a good leader" and that you would "be willing to teach you" when I am the one who had connections to every top alliance in the whole of server 2! When I build an alliance from scratch and kept it going well, despite you! When I kept my alliance out of danger for 7 months! When I was sometimes a better diplomat then Wigghammer! You tell people that I abused my power as a leader. Bull crap!!!! I took ONE power from the other leaders because I was afraid they would mess up what me and Wigg had done. WELL LOOK! ITS RUINED NOW! Despite everything I did, everything I ever worked for is RUINED! It gets under my skin what you did and what you say to me. But I know my mother was proud of what I had accomplished. She bragged about me every day to her alliance. I know that the higher alliances where impressed with what KiWi did in its time. And now you, Connie, will be lucky to ever hear something nice come from me to you. You will be lucky if you ever hear anything from me ever again. I hope you delete first.
Last Thursday, all of our hard damn work, all our backbreaking struggling against enemies, all our time, the whole alliance, is gone. I feel so betrayed...
We had a confederation with with another alliance called BBB, lead by Connie. They had said for months that "we are one. We are merged". I never believed them, I always thought that it was a sick joke or that Wigg never told them the truth. Wigg had told me that one day we weren't merged, the next that we were. He was confused at it himself.
But I get on that dreadful Thursday and find that my alliance is gone. No longer KiWi. Nope, its United now, with the main branch United. No more does my voice matter, no more do I even exist as a leader. Now I am nothing to them but a nuisance.
I decided that I would leave it to crumble from the inside out and watch it fall and burn. See, Connie's alliance was falling apart itself due to poor leadership and member frustration. BBB was a combination of APRON and KB; KB was lead by Kross, who ruined that alliance before the merge. So when these alliances merged -very well actually, due mainly because of a player named Ramoth- they wanted KiWi as well and we just didn't want to commit to it.
Tid Bit -- Kross had an accident of some sort and didn't get on for a long time. As the alliance started to fall, his account became yellow (inactive for 2 days), turning to red (bad, inactive for 3 or 4 days) then finally turning gray (very bad, inactive for a week+). By that time, KB was burning what was left of itself. Many great players fled the alliance for stronger ones, including the top ranking alliances DH (rank 3) and STORM (rank 2). Connie took the rest of KB in.
So now here I am; my original account given to a friend, my former alliance mates forsaken to that pit -that disgusting joke of an alliance- and I am now dueling with a friend in a higher, better alliance. I did try to save that alliance, but when no one listens to you and other's trust in you is shot, its best to just leave them to themselves. So to you Connie, who screwed me over royally then proceeded to rub it in, be glad that the person I am dueling with doens't want to attack you, for if I had it my way, you would be long gone by now. To you Wigghammer, the guy I always trusted and respected, I wish the best for you. To you Natas, who went behind my back and ruined KiWi and doomed United, you did what you were told to do and what you thought was right for the alliance. I don't blame you for any of this and I have no hard feelings against you. I am only sorry that you have to go through this. To Txnoy, Tritum, Leah, Mean Squirrel, and all my children, I am sorry I am not there for you anymore. I truly am sorry that this all happened behind your backs, I am sorry that you never knew about the so called "merge", I am so sorry that you have been cursed, doomed to be DH's punching bag... I hate it that you are being punished for something you were told to do. I hate it that you are being punish for something that isn't your fault...
Only a mother can truly grieve the loss of her dearest children... Now I can only mourn from a distance... :'[
And Connie, this is your fault. It is all your fault. Everything. You should feel horrible about this, yet you sit there spreading lies and make it worse for everyone else, digging the hole deeper for yourself and others. I can't believe you!! You tell me that I should "learn to be a good leader" and that you would "be willing to teach you" when I am the one who had connections to every top alliance in the whole of server 2! When I build an alliance from scratch and kept it going well, despite you! When I kept my alliance out of danger for 7 months! When I was sometimes a better diplomat then Wigghammer! You tell people that I abused my power as a leader. Bull crap!!!! I took ONE power from the other leaders because I was afraid they would mess up what me and Wigg had done. WELL LOOK! ITS RUINED NOW! Despite everything I did, everything I ever worked for is RUINED! It gets under my skin what you did and what you say to me. But I know my mother was proud of what I had accomplished. She bragged about me every day to her alliance. I know that the higher alliances where impressed with what KiWi did in its time. And now you, Connie, will be lucky to ever hear something nice come from me to you. You will be lucky if you ever hear anything from me ever again. I hope you delete first.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Insight To A Teen's Secret Life - back story
Part 1...
Kire and Zorra once went out many months ago, I believe in April of 2008. They had a wonderful relationship, one that was very romantic and involved. (He was and still is a virgin. He would have died if he had touched her that way.) However, Kire made a bad decision and skipped his 6th period exit exams to be with her. His parents found out and became livid. Needless to say, he was grounded for the rest of the summer. They grew apart during the summer and when school started again, the relationship was different. They weren't as romantic as before.
Zorra found out that Kire's parents wanted him to go to the Navy and that he was seriously considering it himself. She freaked out -she has very, very bad separation anxiety- and she cut him lose. He spiraled downward to a sever depression afterwards, becoming horribly emo. After about two months separation, he had finally guilt her back into his arms by being around her and whining. He even skipped some classes to see her. His parents found out... Their relationship lasted only a few weeks when he finally dumped her, saying "it didn't feel right anymore". He continued into his depression while his family hated him.
Now, he is being extremely stupid and decided that some of this Red Life should meet the air so it wouldn't be in pain anymore. I finally got him to stop that. He doesn't listen to anyone, and when he does, he twists the words to fit what he believes. Zorra wrote him a letter saying that she didn't like him that way anymore but that she still cared about him. He took that to mean that she hated him and totally disregarded the caring part entirely. He also found out that Zorra like another guy (who didn't like her back that way.. however he thinks its ok to mess with her. I am hoping to meet him in a dark ally once.) and when to get the guy with her. It failed miserably. Now he is trying to completely avoid her at all costs. (Its not working)
Part 2...
My ex's are annoying to the point that I am thinking about changing my number. They are slut bags and I can't believe I ever went out with them.
One guy, named Justin, is a meta whore. He has girls all over the US and some in Canada. He has a girlfriend who is in jail now and he loves to tell me that he loves her and in the same breath tells me that he misses me and still loves me. Whatever. I don't want your disease ridden, emo, delusions arse. I am taken with a guy I like. /tongue/
The guy dumped me because he still liked his ex from 2 years back and wanted to ask her out. Well I found out later that she told him heck no. So he tried to crawl back to me, which I promptly booted him. He can go.... never mind.
At any rate, the people in my life are stupid. I really wish they would stop causing trouble. Ugh. It makes me wonder why people can't see how to get out of their mistakes when its so easy to see... Oh well.
Kire and Zorra once went out many months ago, I believe in April of 2008. They had a wonderful relationship, one that was very romantic and involved. (He was and still is a virgin. He would have died if he had touched her that way.) However, Kire made a bad decision and skipped his 6th period exit exams to be with her. His parents found out and became livid. Needless to say, he was grounded for the rest of the summer. They grew apart during the summer and when school started again, the relationship was different. They weren't as romantic as before.
Zorra found out that Kire's parents wanted him to go to the Navy and that he was seriously considering it himself. She freaked out -she has very, very bad separation anxiety- and she cut him lose. He spiraled downward to a sever depression afterwards, becoming horribly emo. After about two months separation, he had finally guilt her back into his arms by being around her and whining. He even skipped some classes to see her. His parents found out... Their relationship lasted only a few weeks when he finally dumped her, saying "it didn't feel right anymore". He continued into his depression while his family hated him.
Now, he is being extremely stupid and decided that some of this Red Life should meet the air so it wouldn't be in pain anymore. I finally got him to stop that. He doesn't listen to anyone, and when he does, he twists the words to fit what he believes. Zorra wrote him a letter saying that she didn't like him that way anymore but that she still cared about him. He took that to mean that she hated him and totally disregarded the caring part entirely. He also found out that Zorra like another guy (who didn't like her back that way.. however he thinks its ok to mess with her. I am hoping to meet him in a dark ally once.) and when to get the guy with her. It failed miserably. Now he is trying to completely avoid her at all costs. (Its not working)
Part 2...
My ex's are annoying to the point that I am thinking about changing my number. They are slut bags and I can't believe I ever went out with them.
One guy, named Justin, is a meta whore. He has girls all over the US and some in Canada. He has a girlfriend who is in jail now and he loves to tell me that he loves her and in the same breath tells me that he misses me and still loves me. Whatever. I don't want your disease ridden, emo, delusions arse. I am taken with a guy I like. /tongue/
The guy dumped me because he still liked his ex from 2 years back and wanted to ask her out. Well I found out later that she told him heck no. So he tried to crawl back to me, which I promptly booted him. He can go.... never mind.
At any rate, the people in my life are stupid. I really wish they would stop causing trouble. Ugh. It makes me wonder why people can't see how to get out of their mistakes when its so easy to see... Oh well.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
The Character Script to a Insight To A Teen's Hidden Life
Well now, lets introduce you to all the players to this tragic but entertaining drama. These are the main people in the story. Other smaller characters exist, but for the sake of my hand, these are the ones that matter.
[Main Characters - Good]
Zorra - My love and Absolute Master whom is a "puppy". She is my best friend and I care about her very much. We have a "love triangle" where she owns me, I own Sabelli, and Sabelli owns Zorra. We play in the Bushes every night, and no guys are allowed. hehe.
Kire - Zorra's ex-boyfriend. He is completely obsessed with her and cannot get over her. She "rules [his] thoughts, actions, heart, and dreams." He also likes Mousie.
Kross - Kire's best friend and an annoying person who I swear is insane. He keeps Kire out off most of his worst ideas, but encourages others less dangerous but still distasteful...
Ansien - A good friend of mine and the less weird of the group. He is bi, leaning more to guys (he has a boyfriend. Lets call him Demetri.) then girls. Likes plays, musicals, plays the harp, etc.
Taierie - My Lover. He is the most wondrous, glorious guy I ever met in my whole life. I adore him greatly. The only drawback is that he lives on the East Coast...
[Smaller Characters]
Sabelli - A good friend who used to have art class with me. Very emo and beautiful. (boyfriend is named Selyf. Also emo and smoking hot!)
Belismea - A girl who really needs to let a guy go. He is obviously bad for her, but she keeps coming back to him.
Remina - She has the same problem as Belismea. Same guy too. Same problem.
Rosilen - A friend of mine who is in a lot of stuff. She recently quit doing drugs and is in a wonderful relationship with a great guy.
Dreimei - Annoying girl who has the voice of a dying cat being burned. She has a fiancee who adores me, even asked me out once.
Mousie - cute Mexican girl who is a little out of it all the time. Kire asked her out over myspace then turns around and tells me that he still loves his ex.
[Teachers]
Mrs. N - Radical Republican. Brilliant teacher who loves the word "homework". Advanced Placement (AP) English.
Coach H - Stupid PE teacher. Can't make a well trained dog do anything. Female. Volleyball coach.
Coach S - Best coach ever! He is so involved with the kids that he basically has everyone's trust. Health coach. Male.
Mr. V - Another great guy. He is ok, and he has his moments, but I would NOT want to have a disaster near him. He freaks out. He lets me do anything I want as long as I do my work. AP World History. Die hard Christan.
Mrs. P - Well meaning. Yet another teacher who can't make a well trained dog do anything. She also lets me do what I want if my work gets done. Pre AP Algebra. Female.
Mrs. B - Brilliant! I love this teacher. She is a Liberal in every sense. Some of the kids don't like her teaching style, but I like it. She treats us like her children since she doesn't have her own. AP US History.
Mr. A - Quarky guy, english is not his first languge but most of the time you can't tell. He likes to mess with his students. He has an ability to blend in with the other kids in the class if he sits down. Spanish II
Mr. L - I don't like this teacher. He sucks monkey balls, majorly. So does his teaching style. He hates explaining things. Hates it with a passion. He wants us to "figure it out on our own". Ugh. AP Physics.
So many people. Though this is but a fraction of the script, it gives you a small insight. XD
[Main Characters - Good]
Zorra - My love and Absolute Master whom is a "puppy". She is my best friend and I care about her very much. We have a "love triangle" where she owns me, I own Sabelli, and Sabelli owns Zorra. We play in the Bushes every night, and no guys are allowed. hehe.
Kire - Zorra's ex-boyfriend. He is completely obsessed with her and cannot get over her. She "rules [his] thoughts, actions, heart, and dreams." He also likes Mousie.
Kross - Kire's best friend and an annoying person who I swear is insane. He keeps Kire out off most of his worst ideas, but encourages others less dangerous but still distasteful...
Ansien - A good friend of mine and the less weird of the group. He is bi, leaning more to guys (he has a boyfriend. Lets call him Demetri.) then girls. Likes plays, musicals, plays the harp, etc.
Taierie - My Lover. He is the most wondrous, glorious guy I ever met in my whole life. I adore him greatly. The only drawback is that he lives on the East Coast...
[Smaller Characters]
Sabelli - A good friend who used to have art class with me. Very emo and beautiful. (boyfriend is named Selyf. Also emo and smoking hot!)
Belismea - A girl who really needs to let a guy go. He is obviously bad for her, but she keeps coming back to him.
Remina - She has the same problem as Belismea. Same guy too. Same problem.
Rosilen - A friend of mine who is in a lot of stuff. She recently quit doing drugs and is in a wonderful relationship with a great guy.
Dreimei - Annoying girl who has the voice of a dying cat being burned. She has a fiancee who adores me, even asked me out once.
Mousie - cute Mexican girl who is a little out of it all the time. Kire asked her out over myspace then turns around and tells me that he still loves his ex.
[Teachers]
Mrs. N - Radical Republican. Brilliant teacher who loves the word "homework". Advanced Placement (AP) English.
Coach H - Stupid PE teacher. Can't make a well trained dog do anything. Female. Volleyball coach.
Coach S - Best coach ever! He is so involved with the kids that he basically has everyone's trust. Health coach. Male.
Mr. V - Another great guy. He is ok, and he has his moments, but I would NOT want to have a disaster near him. He freaks out. He lets me do anything I want as long as I do my work. AP World History. Die hard Christan.
Mrs. P - Well meaning. Yet another teacher who can't make a well trained dog do anything. She also lets me do what I want if my work gets done. Pre AP Algebra. Female.
Mrs. B - Brilliant! I love this teacher. She is a Liberal in every sense. Some of the kids don't like her teaching style, but I like it. She treats us like her children since she doesn't have her own. AP US History.
Mr. A - Quarky guy, english is not his first languge but most of the time you can't tell. He likes to mess with his students. He has an ability to blend in with the other kids in the class if he sits down. Spanish II
Mr. L - I don't like this teacher. He sucks monkey balls, majorly. So does his teaching style. He hates explaining things. Hates it with a passion. He wants us to "figure it out on our own". Ugh. AP Physics.
So many people. Though this is but a fraction of the script, it gives you a small insight. XD
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