Energy vampires are beings who cannot produce enough energy or any energy at all to mentally "survive" the day to day tasks needed in society today. Energy Vampires, hereon called EVs, crave the energy of their friends, family, and lovers. They tend to have four distinct personality traits.
1) Those who are narcissistic, who continually places their own desires ahead of everyone, always. These people are more likely to be in a position of authority where they can inflict the most damage to their underlings. These can also show up in the relationship, often the EV as the dominate on in the relationship. Some signs of this can be a co-worker or lover going to the EV and specifically telling them something, say complaining about their offensive language, and the EV deliberately ignoring the request. Sometimes the pleasure from this is obvious.
2) Those who have a love/hate relationship with everyone around them, constantly driving people away only to bring them back, often described as push/pull relationships. Some signs of this is the EV will call a lover up and meet with them, have a great time, then vanish, often making the lover worried and frustrated. Sometimes the EV will make rude phone calls or texts only to call later to apologize.
3) Those who believe they are a constant victim. Sometimes these EV believe the world is literally out to get them. They make excuses as to why they are not the problem, and blame others for their mistakes, even if it was obviously them who did it. These EV look for sympathetic people who try to console them or comfort them, but often the EV turns on the people who try to help, ultimately destroying all their relationships.
4) Those who are extremely controlling and seek to invalidate everyone else's thoughts, dreams, and opinions. These people start discussions and debates and always dominate the conversation, ending the debate with their thoughts and presenting them as facts even if they are not. These people try to control everyone around them.
All of these types of EVs feed off the energy gained from others emotions, which are usually negative. There is a certain amount of addictiveness to EVs, with the most addictive one being the love/hate type. People who tend to be around a certain EV will experience consuming thoughts about the EV, especially if they are romantically involved. All of the victims exhibit symptoms of a type of withdrawal once away from said EV, but the most evident is with the love/hate EVs. Some of the symptoms include:
headache, irritability, an inability to concentrate on anything other than the EV, drowsiness, insomnia and pain in the stomach, upper body, and joints
and with prolonged exposure: restlessness, fidgetiness, nervousness, insomnia muscle twitching, a rambling flow of thought and speech, irritability, irregular or rapid heart beat when thinking of the EV, psychomotor agitation, mania, depression, lapses in judgment, disorientation, disinhibition, delusions
Protection from an EV is a relatively simple matter. Place a barrier around you, or you can place a barrier around the EV so it does not feed off of others around. Generally, staying away from the EV also works, but the feelings of withdrawal will still linger until the bond is broken, much like a normal substance that is addictive. Going back to the EV will worsen things, again much like an addictive substance. The longer the exposure, the harder it is to leave.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Lord and Lady
I believe in the Lord and Lady, or the God and Goddess as some say. I believe in multiple gods and goddesses, which would make me polytheistic. My Lord and Lady don't have a name, but a good portion of other pagans already know who their deity is.
My deities are not Satan. I don't believe in the christian idea of Satan, or Hell for that matter. I believe there is a place that everyone goes, good and bad, who are stripped of most of their memories and are reborn again. I believe that the Lord goes through many cycles of his life, just like the Lady and us humans. He descends into the Summerlands, where he is reborn again. These are the general things that Wiccan's believe.
As for me, I think that all pantheons have their own histories that can be true, and that most of them overlap.
The Lord and Lady are not entirely good, but they are not entirely evil either. They have Their own personalities and quarks like humans, and they have feelings, if not the same as ours. Loki is the God of Mischief in the Norse pantheon and He plays tricks on His followers that can sometimes be considered cruel. But He also defends and protects His believers, and harshly deals with people who harm His own.
The Deities have given people special abilities that help, or sometimes can hinder, our lives. Most people shy away from Their gift, but more and more people are accepting it.
I would say that They are accepting and do not judge, but I would be lying. But despite this, They are always willing to help us out and protect us. We as witches try to build a relationship with our Gods, and most serious followers succeed. Sometimes we may never know the names of our Gods, sometimes we are told from the start. But it doesnt matter who They are as long as we know They are there.
I think one of the best parts of my beliefs is that I don't need a priest or priestess to talk to the Divine. I can talk to Them whenever I want to, about anything. To me it is like a love relationship. Sometimes we have fights, other times we couldn't agree more, and sometimes its a one sided battle. But the relationship still continues despite everything. Its a feeling of having Them right by you, not as a superior, but as a best friend, a parent, and almost an equal. Its not like the way I felt when I was in church, that God was some unreachable deity who didn't care about someone as insignificant as me.
I am still working on my relationship with Them, but I love them nonetheless.
My deities are not Satan. I don't believe in the christian idea of Satan, or Hell for that matter. I believe there is a place that everyone goes, good and bad, who are stripped of most of their memories and are reborn again. I believe that the Lord goes through many cycles of his life, just like the Lady and us humans. He descends into the Summerlands, where he is reborn again. These are the general things that Wiccan's believe.
As for me, I think that all pantheons have their own histories that can be true, and that most of them overlap.
The Lord and Lady are not entirely good, but they are not entirely evil either. They have Their own personalities and quarks like humans, and they have feelings, if not the same as ours. Loki is the God of Mischief in the Norse pantheon and He plays tricks on His followers that can sometimes be considered cruel. But He also defends and protects His believers, and harshly deals with people who harm His own.
The Deities have given people special abilities that help, or sometimes can hinder, our lives. Most people shy away from Their gift, but more and more people are accepting it.
I would say that They are accepting and do not judge, but I would be lying. But despite this, They are always willing to help us out and protect us. We as witches try to build a relationship with our Gods, and most serious followers succeed. Sometimes we may never know the names of our Gods, sometimes we are told from the start. But it doesnt matter who They are as long as we know They are there.
I think one of the best parts of my beliefs is that I don't need a priest or priestess to talk to the Divine. I can talk to Them whenever I want to, about anything. To me it is like a love relationship. Sometimes we have fights, other times we couldn't agree more, and sometimes its a one sided battle. But the relationship still continues despite everything. Its a feeling of having Them right by you, not as a superior, but as a best friend, a parent, and almost an equal. Its not like the way I felt when I was in church, that God was some unreachable deity who didn't care about someone as insignificant as me.
I am still working on my relationship with Them, but I love them nonetheless.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Getting Started on Magick
Well, since I decided to change this blog from a personal one to a religious one, Ills start off by clearing some of the myths of paganism and explaining some of the major beliefs in Wicca. Most of the beliefs in Wicca are shared throughout paganism, no matter what tradition or sect. From here on, I will refer to Wicca or any other sect as the broad term Paganism.
Firstly, Paganism is NOT Satanism. It IS NOT Satanism. Pagans do not even believe in the Christian's concept of the Devil or Hell. There are people who believe in Lucifer, but that's for another post.
Second, Paganism is not some fad that teens wear to rebel against their parents. Paganism is a religion, with its own rules, that is something to be taken seriously. It can be a life changing event. Kids who use it like a fad are just looking for attention in school.
Wiccans believe in no harm, and the threefold law. Those beliefs carry on to Paganism. The Wiccan rede states "an ye harm none, do what ye will". But that means you can't hurt yourself either. And the threefold law is whatever you send out comes back times three.
And one of the biggest differences between Christianity and Paganism is that Pagans don't actively convert people. If you want to be a pagan, you search for yourself.
That's all I have for now. Til later.
Firstly, Paganism is NOT Satanism. It IS NOT Satanism. Pagans do not even believe in the Christian's concept of the Devil or Hell. There are people who believe in Lucifer, but that's for another post.
Second, Paganism is not some fad that teens wear to rebel against their parents. Paganism is a religion, with its own rules, that is something to be taken seriously. It can be a life changing event. Kids who use it like a fad are just looking for attention in school.
Wiccans believe in no harm, and the threefold law. Those beliefs carry on to Paganism. The Wiccan rede states "an ye harm none, do what ye will". But that means you can't hurt yourself either. And the threefold law is whatever you send out comes back times three.
And one of the biggest differences between Christianity and Paganism is that Pagans don't actively convert people. If you want to be a pagan, you search for yourself.
That's all I have for now. Til later.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
A letter to him, from me
I love you isn't strong enough to express what I feel for you. My soul loves you with all its fibers, my body aches to be with you with every cell. I cannot help but cry when you do, and I cannot help being happy with you, for you. I am so wrapped up in you that I think of you every minute. I only think of you when I am with you. You deserve no less.
You are everything to me. I don't mean this lightly. You. Are. My. Everything. I adore you, everything about you. I love your soul, I love all of you, every part, all the whole. I love you for you, and just for you, and not for anything else.
You deserve the best. You deserve to have anything you want. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved. You deserve everything. I can't express this enough; you deserve it.
I do not pity you; I know better than that. I am only sorry I cannot fix your woes and your pain. I look into your eyes and see the pain that is there. I see all of your troubles, and it strikes me every time to want to to press you to my chest and keep you there. I want to turn your darkness to light.
I don't want to hurt you. I would hurt myself before I would hurt you. I don't want to make the same mistakes that they did, and I don't want to be like them. I want to be better, for you. Don't think that everyone will hurt you in the end; it doesn't always end like that. Just remember that you have more than one person who loves you dearly. And always remember that you love more than one person dearly.
I love you so much, it can't be expressed in the English language. So we came up with the word. Uber Heart.
________________
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
You are everything to me. I don't mean this lightly. You. Are. My. Everything. I adore you, everything about you. I love your soul, I love all of you, every part, all the whole. I love you for you, and just for you, and not for anything else.
You deserve the best. You deserve to have anything you want. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved. You deserve everything. I can't express this enough; you deserve it.
I do not pity you; I know better than that. I am only sorry I cannot fix your woes and your pain. I look into your eyes and see the pain that is there. I see all of your troubles, and it strikes me every time to want to to press you to my chest and keep you there. I want to turn your darkness to light.
I don't want to hurt you. I would hurt myself before I would hurt you. I don't want to make the same mistakes that they did, and I don't want to be like them. I want to be better, for you. Don't think that everyone will hurt you in the end; it doesn't always end like that. Just remember that you have more than one person who loves you dearly. And always remember that you love more than one person dearly.
I love you so much, it can't be expressed in the English language. So we came up with the word. Uber Heart.
________________
I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with every day
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
A letter to me, from him.
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
Oh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Oh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know
If you still care don't ever let me know
Come away with innocence and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again
So if you love me let me go
And run away before I know
My heart is just too dark to care
I can't destroy what isn't there
Deliver me into my fate
If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you
Oh, my smile was taken long ago
If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your lights
But all of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not hear
I think I made it very clear
You couldn't hate enough to love
Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend
Then I could hurt you in the end
I never claimed to be a saint
Ooh, my own was banished long ago
It took the death of hope to let you go
So break yourself against my stones
And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away, you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control
Oh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care don't ever let me know
If you still care don't ever let me know
Young
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
I see the children in the rain
Like the parade before the pain
I see the love, I see the hate
I see this world that we can make
I see the life, I see the sky
Give it all to see you fly
Yes, we wave this flag of hatred
But you're the ones who made it
Watch the beauty of all our lies
Passing right before my eyes
I hear the hate in all your words
All the wars to make us hurt
We get so sick oh so sick
We never wanted all this
Medication for the kids with no reason to live
So we march to the drums
Of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
As we walk among these shadows
In these streets, these fields of battle
Take it up, we wear the medal
Raise your hands with burning candles
Hear us whisper in the dark
In the rain you see the spark
Feel the beating of our hearts
Fleeting hope as we depart
All together, walk alone
Against all we've ever known
All we've ever really wanted
Was a place to call our home
But you take all we are
The innocence of our hearts
Made to kneel before the alter
As you tear us apart
So we march to the drums
Of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We will fight or we will fall
Till the angels save us all (4x)
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart (2x)
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
I see the children in the rain
Like the parade before the pain
I see the love, I see the hate
I see this world that we can make
I see the life, I see the sky
Give it all to see you fly
Yes, we wave this flag of hatred
But you're the ones who made it
Watch the beauty of all our lies
Passing right before my eyes
I hear the hate in all your words
All the wars to make us hurt
We get so sick oh so sick
We never wanted all this
Medication for the kids with no reason to live
So we march to the drums
Of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
As we walk among these shadows
In these streets, these fields of battle
Take it up, we wear the medal
Raise your hands with burning candles
Hear us whisper in the dark
In the rain you see the spark
Feel the beating of our hearts
Fleeting hope as we depart
All together, walk alone
Against all we've ever known
All we've ever really wanted
Was a place to call our home
But you take all we are
The innocence of our hearts
Made to kneel before the alter
As you tear us apart
So we march to the drums
Of the dammed as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We will fight or we will fall
Till the angels save us all (4x)
We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don't belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart (2x)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Confessions of My Life
Ill start at the beginning, when I remembered the abuse. Please remember this is from my point of view. Some parts aren't PG, so be careful.
I remember being in Mt Zion elementary school when I was young, sitting in the corner alone because the other kids were vicious to me. They would tease me, telling me I was ugly and worthless, throwing toys at me just because they could. Sure I told the teacher, but she wouldn't be around when they did something. Plus I got called a rat and teased even worse. In the playground I got pinched, and I pinched him back. I was the one who got in trouble, not him. I became so depressed I blocked most of my life out. Sure I remember the shrinks and meds, but they were small dots in a meaningless life. After a time I became enclosed and withdrawn from everyone, even my parents, forgetting what I did or why right after it happened. The day I left that school, I was playing kickball and happened to kick it really hard. We won the game and they cheered by name. I was surprised after all the years of shit they had put me through that this time was the first and only time my peers were happy with me. It crushed my heart.
Rabbit Run was were we lived at the time. I remember those kids well. I did have a good time there, much better than at school, though not by much. My best friend Alex lived next to me, and she was a good enough friend, though we had our problems. She didn't like to share much, and was snotty. But she and another kid Robbie was the best to me out of all of the kids. Robbie, Tommy, Travis, John, Jeremy, and Samantha were the other kids. Tommy and Travis took to throwing rocks at me when they had a bad day, John was always an asshole, but Robbie was quiet. Samantha, however, was a little older than me. One day I had found a sex toy in my parent's room, and decided to show it to Sam. She was joyous, but when someone was coming down the hall, she put it in a hole in the wall. Later that day she and another girl decided to make a club in the room. I wanted to join in, but they said I had to do something first. When I asked what, they said I had to kiss them. When I said eww, Sam grabbed my head and pressed her lips hard to mine, forcing her tongue in. When I finally pulled away, she had said I was a great kisser, which prompted the other girl to try. She tasted like smoke... A year or two later, I met a cousin of Jeremy's. He liked me, and started to flirt with me. He convinced me to go into Jeremy's boat shed, and I got cornered in there. He came up close to me, and put his hands under my shirt, and touched my almost nonexistent breasts. I told him I didn't like what he was doing, but he ignored me and said instead that I was "coming along nicely". I finally managed to pull away from him and ran away. I ran home, but one of my dad's friend's daughter saw what had happened and I was forced to retell what had happened that day. Dad was livid, went over to kill the boy, finding out that he had left earlier that day. Dad vowed if he saw him again he wouldn't be nice.
Then we moved to somewhere else, i don't remember where, and my first day was just like at the other one; kids decided I was the new target. A few more months of hell and we had to leave again. Last day the twins that had made my life horrible extended their hand to me in friendship, and explained to me that that's what they tried to do when I first came there, but that I had been mean and rude and withdrawn. I think this was Tennessee.
We moved into Stockbridge, GA then. First day was better than the last ones. I met a nice girl and we became friends. I was promised that we weren't going to move again, and I was setting up a life there. I got into band, and so did my best friend Brianna. I played flute, she clarinet. Several months later Mom's friend Sandra was getting evicted, so we said she could live with us; we had plenty of room. She and her kids John (remember him? From Rabbit Run) and Chris moved in. A couple of weeks went past, and things started to go very wrong.
John and Chris started to verbally abuse me, then started to hit me and my dog, Sugar. My things were stolen, trashed, ruined. I went through Chris's chest (he was 18 at the time) and found several of my cups and some of my more valuable stuff that was missing, like Gameboy games and CDs. I came home one day and my bike tires had be slashed. I went out to the store with my mom and when I came back my room was trashed, bed pulled apart, Gameboy on with no game in it on the floor, a bag of beads cut open and scattered around my room. I was appalled. Well, one night I was out with John and went to the trailer park down the road. I met a guy named Eric, shorter than me, fatter, and slightly repulsive. At the end of the night, he convinced me to kiss him. "It won't hurt anything" I thought, so I did it. It was the most disguising kiss I've gotten. Its like kissing a toad with a dying fish as a tongue. Then we went to a ditch and he asked me to take off my cloths so we could have sex. I was maybe 12? I didn't do it, but instead said I had to go home. John came with me.
We got home, and I went into Johns room to watch tv. He said very sweet words to me, and soon we were kissing. That one felt wonderful. After that night we were kind of a couple, but it was a wrong relationship. In public he would cuss at me, berate me and abuse me, but in private he told me he loved me. Then one night he wanted to try something. I wasn't exactly willing, but I didn't refuse. Not a no, but not an exact yes. He took off our clothes. Nothing physical happened, no penetration, but it had its effect. After that everything kept getting worse, fights broke out between my parents. Sandra had made it look like my dad was cheating on my mom, and it was working. Their communication wasn't great to begin with, but she made it even worse.
My dad suddenly left one night, and I didn't realize it until I came home that day. Mom was the one who told me. I couldn't believe it, he left. When everything got bad, he ditched us. I hated him for a long long time. And a part of me still hates him today. But that day began an even worse hell than before. I started to get messed up in the mind. I went with John to a trailer park near my house where we met this guy Eric (same age as me). We hung out for the day, and when night came around he asked me to kiss him. I thought, what's the worst that could happen? Well he licked him lips before, which caused a bucket of drool to stay on his lips and mouth area. I was grossed out, esp since it felt like killing a frog with a dead fish as a tongue. Yuk. After that we headed to a ditch like creek area where he asked me to have sex with him. I left after he asked.
Later, I was in John's room watching tv when we kissed. I don't remember how it happened. But it felt better than what Eric's was by a hundred times. After that day I kind of became his girlfriend. Keep in mind that they tortured me. It was no different when I was with him, it actually got worse. He was the classic abusive boyfriend; hit me and degrade me in public and say I love you in private. One day I was sleeping in the nude when John, also naked, came into my room. He woke me up when he climbed into my bed. Then he proceeded to mount me. I didn't stop him, but I didn't want him to do that. Nothing more happened, I kept my virginity. But it happened again, only in my parents room. Only flopping around happened, but it still felt bad. The situation at home got to the point where I was crying myself to sleep every night, where I wasn't trying to remember what had happened 30 minutes prior. I slept with my back to the wall, afraid that I would get stabbed or hurt if I didn't face the door. That trait persisted until about a year ago here in Tx.
I had made a life in Stockbridge Ga, but John had managed to destroy even my relationship with my best friends. When I moved here, I had nothing left in me again. I was close to suicide, an extreme Im glad I didn't take. But I seriously contemplated ending it for me forever, knowing full well what would happen after and not caring. I couldn't stand to breath, let alone go through any more pretending.
Then I met the one person who turned my life around. The first time I met him was a major impact to me in and of itself. His name was Raven, and he was dating my friend. I got off the bus with her one morning, going through the motions once again, trying to not be noticed by anyone, when I see something moving in the shadows. I look up only to be stunned and startled by the most handsome, dark man I had ever seen in my life. He flowed through the shadows like it was just another part of him, dressing him darker than his already black clothes. I was so awed, so stunned, so parlayed that I couldn't move or talk. I just stood there gaping at him. And when they started to move to the school, I found myself following them. After that I couldn't stop thinking of him.
He was the turning point of my life. He was the one who taught me much about my religion, and I also am indebted to him for saving my life, not once, but thrice. I admit that some of his techniques were a bit brutal, but it got the point across. Like the "If you commit suicide I will come Across and kick your ass into the flames" rule. He sparred with me, taught me combat with a dagger and with other various knifes, showed me how to really look at people, how to connect. He showed me the world in different eyes.
Oh, but he does have guilt on him. I tried to play a joke on him, telling him that I wanted to have sex with him. Well we ended up in the woods, and I was backing out, saying it was a joke, that I wouldn't do it with him. But I am very sensitive to touch, and he managed to sway my mind. I convinced myself after that day that that was what I wanted, but I felt guiltily and weird about it. But it didn't happen just that once, between me and him. It reoccurred over a few months. But it cant be called anything but a mistake, because I guess I could have walked away, though I was in a bad mental state still.
After about a year total knowing him, I broke away from him. I told him I didn't want to talk to him again, that if he wanted to apologize, he would have to call me or meet me. But I knew he wouldn't do that. So I don't talk to the one who saved me.
Now my parents are divorcing, and it is not a pretty one. I seem to be getting caught in the middle of everything, and its tearing me up all over. I have a boyfriend now too, and I thank the Gods that I have him, because if it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be as stable as I am now. He's making me deal with things I never wanted to deal with, but its necessary. I am so grateful for him. He points me in the right direction, now I just need to listen to him.
I suffer emotional problems from all the trauma Ive gone through. I can't be touched without me seeing it first. Ive hurt people because they came behind me and touched me. I cannot fully trust anyone, though I am trusting J (my boyfriend) and Sora, my best friend, more than usual. I cannot have a normal relationship. It is hard for me to show affection, esp in public. I tend to keep things to myself, even things that trouble me greatly. I tend to hide stuff from people. I have a food problem, eating to make myself feel better. Im always critical of others, never letting them get too close.
Ive gotten better about some of this stuff, but most of it is still a problem.
Ive shared my story with you, something I haven't told anyone ever. No one knew about this before, but now its out in the light, and I feel much better about it.
I remember being in Mt Zion elementary school when I was young, sitting in the corner alone because the other kids were vicious to me. They would tease me, telling me I was ugly and worthless, throwing toys at me just because they could. Sure I told the teacher, but she wouldn't be around when they did something. Plus I got called a rat and teased even worse. In the playground I got pinched, and I pinched him back. I was the one who got in trouble, not him. I became so depressed I blocked most of my life out. Sure I remember the shrinks and meds, but they were small dots in a meaningless life. After a time I became enclosed and withdrawn from everyone, even my parents, forgetting what I did or why right after it happened. The day I left that school, I was playing kickball and happened to kick it really hard. We won the game and they cheered by name. I was surprised after all the years of shit they had put me through that this time was the first and only time my peers were happy with me. It crushed my heart.
Rabbit Run was were we lived at the time. I remember those kids well. I did have a good time there, much better than at school, though not by much. My best friend Alex lived next to me, and she was a good enough friend, though we had our problems. She didn't like to share much, and was snotty. But she and another kid Robbie was the best to me out of all of the kids. Robbie, Tommy, Travis, John, Jeremy, and Samantha were the other kids. Tommy and Travis took to throwing rocks at me when they had a bad day, John was always an asshole, but Robbie was quiet. Samantha, however, was a little older than me. One day I had found a sex toy in my parent's room, and decided to show it to Sam. She was joyous, but when someone was coming down the hall, she put it in a hole in the wall. Later that day she and another girl decided to make a club in the room. I wanted to join in, but they said I had to do something first. When I asked what, they said I had to kiss them. When I said eww, Sam grabbed my head and pressed her lips hard to mine, forcing her tongue in. When I finally pulled away, she had said I was a great kisser, which prompted the other girl to try. She tasted like smoke... A year or two later, I met a cousin of Jeremy's. He liked me, and started to flirt with me. He convinced me to go into Jeremy's boat shed, and I got cornered in there. He came up close to me, and put his hands under my shirt, and touched my almost nonexistent breasts. I told him I didn't like what he was doing, but he ignored me and said instead that I was "coming along nicely". I finally managed to pull away from him and ran away. I ran home, but one of my dad's friend's daughter saw what had happened and I was forced to retell what had happened that day. Dad was livid, went over to kill the boy, finding out that he had left earlier that day. Dad vowed if he saw him again he wouldn't be nice.
Then we moved to somewhere else, i don't remember where, and my first day was just like at the other one; kids decided I was the new target. A few more months of hell and we had to leave again. Last day the twins that had made my life horrible extended their hand to me in friendship, and explained to me that that's what they tried to do when I first came there, but that I had been mean and rude and withdrawn. I think this was Tennessee.
We moved into Stockbridge, GA then. First day was better than the last ones. I met a nice girl and we became friends. I was promised that we weren't going to move again, and I was setting up a life there. I got into band, and so did my best friend Brianna. I played flute, she clarinet. Several months later Mom's friend Sandra was getting evicted, so we said she could live with us; we had plenty of room. She and her kids John (remember him? From Rabbit Run) and Chris moved in. A couple of weeks went past, and things started to go very wrong.
John and Chris started to verbally abuse me, then started to hit me and my dog, Sugar. My things were stolen, trashed, ruined. I went through Chris's chest (he was 18 at the time) and found several of my cups and some of my more valuable stuff that was missing, like Gameboy games and CDs. I came home one day and my bike tires had be slashed. I went out to the store with my mom and when I came back my room was trashed, bed pulled apart, Gameboy on with no game in it on the floor, a bag of beads cut open and scattered around my room. I was appalled. Well, one night I was out with John and went to the trailer park down the road. I met a guy named Eric, shorter than me, fatter, and slightly repulsive. At the end of the night, he convinced me to kiss him. "It won't hurt anything" I thought, so I did it. It was the most disguising kiss I've gotten. Its like kissing a toad with a dying fish as a tongue. Then we went to a ditch and he asked me to take off my cloths so we could have sex. I was maybe 12? I didn't do it, but instead said I had to go home. John came with me.
We got home, and I went into Johns room to watch tv. He said very sweet words to me, and soon we were kissing. That one felt wonderful. After that night we were kind of a couple, but it was a wrong relationship. In public he would cuss at me, berate me and abuse me, but in private he told me he loved me. Then one night he wanted to try something. I wasn't exactly willing, but I didn't refuse. Not a no, but not an exact yes. He took off our clothes. Nothing physical happened, no penetration, but it had its effect. After that everything kept getting worse, fights broke out between my parents. Sandra had made it look like my dad was cheating on my mom, and it was working. Their communication wasn't great to begin with, but she made it even worse.
My dad suddenly left one night, and I didn't realize it until I came home that day. Mom was the one who told me. I couldn't believe it, he left. When everything got bad, he ditched us. I hated him for a long long time. And a part of me still hates him today. But that day began an even worse hell than before. I started to get messed up in the mind. I went with John to a trailer park near my house where we met this guy Eric (same age as me). We hung out for the day, and when night came around he asked me to kiss him. I thought, what's the worst that could happen? Well he licked him lips before, which caused a bucket of drool to stay on his lips and mouth area. I was grossed out, esp since it felt like killing a frog with a dead fish as a tongue. Yuk. After that we headed to a ditch like creek area where he asked me to have sex with him. I left after he asked.
Later, I was in John's room watching tv when we kissed. I don't remember how it happened. But it felt better than what Eric's was by a hundred times. After that day I kind of became his girlfriend. Keep in mind that they tortured me. It was no different when I was with him, it actually got worse. He was the classic abusive boyfriend; hit me and degrade me in public and say I love you in private. One day I was sleeping in the nude when John, also naked, came into my room. He woke me up when he climbed into my bed. Then he proceeded to mount me. I didn't stop him, but I didn't want him to do that. Nothing more happened, I kept my virginity. But it happened again, only in my parents room. Only flopping around happened, but it still felt bad. The situation at home got to the point where I was crying myself to sleep every night, where I wasn't trying to remember what had happened 30 minutes prior. I slept with my back to the wall, afraid that I would get stabbed or hurt if I didn't face the door. That trait persisted until about a year ago here in Tx.
I had made a life in Stockbridge Ga, but John had managed to destroy even my relationship with my best friends. When I moved here, I had nothing left in me again. I was close to suicide, an extreme Im glad I didn't take. But I seriously contemplated ending it for me forever, knowing full well what would happen after and not caring. I couldn't stand to breath, let alone go through any more pretending.
Then I met the one person who turned my life around. The first time I met him was a major impact to me in and of itself. His name was Raven, and he was dating my friend. I got off the bus with her one morning, going through the motions once again, trying to not be noticed by anyone, when I see something moving in the shadows. I look up only to be stunned and startled by the most handsome, dark man I had ever seen in my life. He flowed through the shadows like it was just another part of him, dressing him darker than his already black clothes. I was so awed, so stunned, so parlayed that I couldn't move or talk. I just stood there gaping at him. And when they started to move to the school, I found myself following them. After that I couldn't stop thinking of him.
He was the turning point of my life. He was the one who taught me much about my religion, and I also am indebted to him for saving my life, not once, but thrice. I admit that some of his techniques were a bit brutal, but it got the point across. Like the "If you commit suicide I will come Across and kick your ass into the flames" rule. He sparred with me, taught me combat with a dagger and with other various knifes, showed me how to really look at people, how to connect. He showed me the world in different eyes.
Oh, but he does have guilt on him. I tried to play a joke on him, telling him that I wanted to have sex with him. Well we ended up in the woods, and I was backing out, saying it was a joke, that I wouldn't do it with him. But I am very sensitive to touch, and he managed to sway my mind. I convinced myself after that day that that was what I wanted, but I felt guiltily and weird about it. But it didn't happen just that once, between me and him. It reoccurred over a few months. But it cant be called anything but a mistake, because I guess I could have walked away, though I was in a bad mental state still.
After about a year total knowing him, I broke away from him. I told him I didn't want to talk to him again, that if he wanted to apologize, he would have to call me or meet me. But I knew he wouldn't do that. So I don't talk to the one who saved me.
Now my parents are divorcing, and it is not a pretty one. I seem to be getting caught in the middle of everything, and its tearing me up all over. I have a boyfriend now too, and I thank the Gods that I have him, because if it wasn't for him, I don't think I would be as stable as I am now. He's making me deal with things I never wanted to deal with, but its necessary. I am so grateful for him. He points me in the right direction, now I just need to listen to him.
I suffer emotional problems from all the trauma Ive gone through. I can't be touched without me seeing it first. Ive hurt people because they came behind me and touched me. I cannot fully trust anyone, though I am trusting J (my boyfriend) and Sora, my best friend, more than usual. I cannot have a normal relationship. It is hard for me to show affection, esp in public. I tend to keep things to myself, even things that trouble me greatly. I tend to hide stuff from people. I have a food problem, eating to make myself feel better. Im always critical of others, never letting them get too close.
Ive gotten better about some of this stuff, but most of it is still a problem.
Ive shared my story with you, something I haven't told anyone ever. No one knew about this before, but now its out in the light, and I feel much better about it.
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